Get real with rules that really work
Life sets limits on all of us, and learning to live happily and effectively within them is a skill we acquire through our childhood experiences. Often, we use rules at home to teach kids about real life limits. And yet, we often get confused about the specifics of how and when to have rules, and what to do to enforce them! Let’s go over some critical mistakes, and how to correct those.
Critical Mistake One: Virtually NoRules.
There seems to be a growing contingency of parents who establish virtually no rules, and seem to believe their children will thrive without that structure. Yet, these children inevitably end up in conflict with teachers and others in authority, as they are faced with the reality of limits set by others. This is a set-up for failure, and a sense of entitlement that the rules of society don’t apply. Yet, as all eventually realize…rules do apply.
• Solution: Get Real. Life has Rules.
Help your children to be aware that life will have rules, and these are (mostly) useful and serve both the individual and society has a whole. More importantly, rules provide a structure for children, and that structure helps kids to thrive. It’s not about who’s in control. It’s about preparing children for life
Critical Mistake Two: Too many rules.
The more rules you have in your home, the more violations of the rules that will occur. The more violations, the more frequently you must end up managing your children’s behavior.
This leads to constant intervention, and decisions making about consequences. If you have a difficult or strong-willed child, this will mean you are frequently adding consequence upon consequence, and the environment begins to feel very punitive and negative.
• Solution: Havejust a fewessential rules.
Rather than dozens of rules, focus on the critical rules that will maintain structure and routine. If you understand how to manage behavior using the leverage you possess in your home, this is not too difficult to do.
In fact, it is easier to manage your home, and to maintain order and sanity with just a few decisive rules, than it is when you have lots of rules that you can’t keep up with.
Critical Mistake Three: Setting rules that we don’t follow.
This is one of the biggest mistakes that we make. We establish guidelines for our children, and then we violate them repeatedly.
For example, we might set the rule that there is no disrespectful talk in our home. Yet, when our children aren’t listening, we’re willing to compromise that rule for ourselves and we yell in an ugly voice to our children. We may not think of this as disrespect, but if we had a video camera sitting on our child’s forehead and we played it back for the world to see…. I suspect that it would appear quite disrespectful.
Another common example would be a rule that says that we don’t eat in front of the TV. Yet, our children repeatedly finding us gleefully chomping down a late-night snack in front of the Letterman show, and then we pretend that this won’t matter.
We tell the children they are getting pudgy, and so we limit their snacks. Yet, they see us failing to exercise and putting on the pounds, while we eat chips and ice cream during the ball games. We can all pretend these little things don’t matter. It does matter.
• Solution: We walk our talk.
If we set a rule, then we have got to be willing to follow it ourselves. Now there are certainly rules that apply to children that don’t apply to adults. Many of these are built into every fabric and structure of our lives, and thus children see it repeated over and over. These are not problematic, because…like it or not… they reflect reality.
The problem occurs in more of the ongoing, day to day routines where we expect our children to do one thing, and then we do another. It’s just hard to keep a household going in a peaceful, loving way when we set up our lives in this manner.
Critical Mistake Four: Setting rules that do not reflect reality.
I find that every parent has a positive intention behind their rules. However, many of these rules do not reflect the reality we live in, and thus often waste both parent and child energy.
For example, we can waste extraordinary amounts of energy by focusing on rules that are arbitrary, and have no real life parallel. Examples could be, “At our home, you don’t eat with your elbows on the table.” Or, “You must put away your shoes first, and then you can hang up your coat.”
• Solution: Have realitybased rules.
“You can’t eat unless you wash your hands.” Learning to wash our hands before eating tends to be supportive of health. Good rule.
“You lose it…if you throw it inside.” Good rule. It preserves what we care about.
“Play outside rather than watch TV or play video games.” Good rule. Outside play is healthier in many ways, and we learn to get along with friends and neighbors. All very good.
“You will repair it, or replace it, or do without… if you break it.” Good rule. Again…it parallels what happens in the real world.
The more we can stick with rules that prepare kids to thrive in the real world, then the better life will be. Don’t make this complicated.
Remember: Keep it simple. Minimize the number of rules. Walk your talk, and keep focused on rules that reflect reality and prepare your children to thrive in the real world. Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www. TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.