Temper tantrums
Temper tantrums are a topic of perennial relevance. Why? Because toddler or child temper tantrums are a serious challenge, more so for some kids than others. Temper tantrums can range from the mild tantrum, where your child is stomping her feet and giving ugly looks to the more moderate tantrum, which might include some kicking, punching or throwing. But there are the extreme tantrums! Some of you are dealing with these out of control moments, where there is screaming, relentless kicking and punching, as well as tears and a meltdown that seems to last forever.
And what if these tantrums don’t go away? What does that look like at age 10, 12 or even 14? Well, it’s safe to say…not pretty.
So let’s not end up there. Here are the essentials to ending those tantrums.
The essential tantrum fixer lessons
While there are a number of details to manage properly with temper tantrums, in this article I will cover two fundamentals of my Tantrum Fixer solution (more is available at TerrificParenting.com).
Lesson 1: You must learn to stop feeding the tantrum
The tendency is for tantrums to have a clear beginning, middle and end. As you see the tantrum emerging, notice the compelling tendency to try to stop it, negotiate with it or help your child around this moment. This is how we FEED the tantrum.
If you continue to feed a tantrum during any phase of the tantrum cycle, you will see a pattern emerges where the tantrum just seems to get worse and worse. (Initially, this may not be so obvious…but over time, this truth is revealed!)
Over and over again, tantruming children learn that their parents are invested in preventing or fixing their tantrums. In fact, it’s quite predictable that mom and dad will stop whatever they’re doing and come to give their energy and attention to the tantrum —- in an effort to make it go away.
It is critical that your child learn that you will not repeatedly and consistently invest in their upset.
I caution you to avoid advice that suggests that there is a healthy way to talk your child through a tantrum. Yes, you can soothe your child (at times) quite effectively, it appears. The problem is that you inevitably end up spending your life doing more and more soothing and calming.
The short term results are fantastic, but quickly your child learns that you are invested in their upset. This feeds the tantrums and the upsets, and more show up next week and even more the weeks following.
So stop investing in these upsets, and create some space for Lesson 2.
Lesson 2: Self calming is learned through experience
Many of us make the mistake of thinking we can somehow teach our child to calm themselves down, while they are in the middle of an upset. The intention is admirable, but in reality the strategy is destined to fail.
It becomes important to view self calming as an acquired skill. Rather than you ‘giving’ your tantrum prone child this skill, we need to think of you as a parent who creates opportunities for learning.
To learn self-soothing or self- calming, we simply must create enough space for the tantrum to go away. Eventually, it always does. It may not be pretty for a while, but it will fade away.
Like magic, your child (if you have not interfered) has then had a self-soo thing moment. If we can string a few dozen of these together, we see an easeful self- calming unfolds. The tantrums go away more quickly, and life stabilizes.
Remember: The only way your child will learn to handle their emotions, is to let them handle their emotions. It seems so sim- ple and obvious, yet it’s true.
Is there more? Of course, but this will get you started on the right path. Just don’t try to keep fixing these moments, by soothing or trying to make the pain or upset go away. Instead, allow it to pass and then see what happens over time.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www. TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.