It’s time to set some limits. Please!
The literature on child development has been clear on certain topics for decades, and there is no data to suggest that this will ever change. Children thrive on limits. They are happier, adjust better and are more prepared to succeed in life.
Why? Because the world we live in is filled with limits everywhere, we turn. Some enforced by society. Some enforced by employers. Some enforced by home owners’ associations. Some enforced by family, referees, and so on.
Most limits have evolved over time, as a way to preserve peace, cooperation, and productivity. Without limits, chaos unfolds.
What happens when we fail to set limits on children?
In a child’s or teen’s world, there are certain protections in place. There is food, shelter, transportation, education, medical care, and love. These are all typically present, even if a child or teen experiences few limits.
Thus, their behavior can vary widely and even inappropriately, and often they still experience getting everything they want. Children can become obsessed with one aspect of their lives (i.e., social media, gaming, sports, Legos, etc.) and refuse to engage in other aspects that create a well-rounded, responsible life. Here again, these children still experience getting everything they want.
False Reality: So, without intending to do so, a false sense of reality is created deep in the minds of these children and teens, who will soon become adults. This false reality unfolds because there is the expectation, we nurture that sounds like this: ‘I should get all that I want in life only doing what is enjoyable and easy for me. And… I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.
We see this reality unfolding in graduates and new employees. They expect to be paid for experience when they have none. They often quit quickly and cannot accept feedback, unless it is filled with praise. Many refuse to do anything beyond their job description, for fear of doing something they may not get paid for. And, if it gets tough… they leave. This is what we have nurtured.
Mom… Dad … pay attention to the pointers!
The pointers to future problems are there now, right in front of us all. When your life is crazed, hectic and all you do is run from here to there… with no sense of calm or peace… that’s a pointer.
• When you are spending most of your time observing and transporting children, rather than playing with children or shar- ing with family, that’s a pointer.
• When your child or teen refuses to clean their room or to help rake the yard, that’s a pointer.
• When your son doesn’t leave the X-box to join you for dinner, or your daughter won’t put down her phone to talk to you, that’s a pointer.
• When the focus has become child centric, rather than family/ community centric, then again…that’s another pointer.
• When your child speaks to you as an adult, that’s a pointer.
• When your child or teen threatens you with bad behavior, if you don’t give them what they want, that’s a pointer.
These pointers all tell us that our families are too often out of balance. We are doing more and more for our children conforming to what they enjoy or seek. And, at the same time, we are following the herd’s direction, relying upon the input of others rather than checking our own intuition about what makes sense.
Set limits on your children … please!
Once again, I encourage you to look at reality. Anytime you see someone who is healthy, you see limits that they have imposed. No junk food, so sitting all day, no excess TV, no bad substances, etc.
Or, if you see someone who is running a business successfully, you see limits. They are disciplined in how they run their business, and limits are everywhere. Limits on how employees speak to customers, limits on appearance, limits on how late you come to work, limits on spending and the list goes on.
If you see someone happy with their life, we know that there are limits they honor. Just look for them.
I mention all this to encourage you to avoid the easy path. The easy path is the path of least resistance. As a parent, this is where we get in trouble. As soon as we go down this path, we tend to bend to the wishes of our children.
This is the moment of error… when we fail to set limits based on our good judgement and our solid values. When we set limits, we will be honoring higher values, as well as the behaviors that reflect those values. Values such as family time, cleanliness, organization, contribution, respect, kindness, love and balance. Our words and lectures will never teach these values. Only solid limits and clear follow-though will do the job. So please, do set limits now. Once it’s too late… it’s too late. Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.