Part 1 — Caregivers
I know that the person receiving my care would do anything in the world they could to not be in this situation, so I put myself in their shoes to try and understand how to help them as a partner.
We are surrounded by caregivers. You may be one. Do you provide ongoing comprehensive support to a relative or friend who may be seriously ill? I know a family where the six adult children take care of their father. I asked them for input for this column. Some comments about their challenges are below. The family wanted to remain anonymous so I made up names.
Elizabeth – “I will speak for myself first with the emotional challenges of caring for my father. I worry the memories of these past couple years (and time to come) will overshadow the memories that I hold dear from childhood. Also, how he shined as a proud grandfather to my sons. On the good days, we get glimpses of that special smile, a hug, or a couple seconds of a dance. He is with us, he is home, but sometimes I miss my daddy so much I can’t breathe through the tears. The special moments I get with dad now are in a journal I started a year ago. Once in a while I toss in a childhood memory. I find this extremely helpful. The physical aspects of being a caregiver are remarkable at times. We use life lines when a transfer goes poorly... We call each other or the grandkids or neighbors. It takes at least 2 strong people on the bad days. There is never hesitation, no clue that Dad is a burden- we just rally and treat him with as much dignity as he deserves. We also have to consider our mother who is home every day and has her own health Issues. We try to assure she has some quality of life too, getting out.”
Paul – “Yes, it has been a challenge and very difficult at times both emotionally and physically, but I take such pride in knowing that we are giving Dad the best care in his own home. We have an amazing team, Mom, children, grandchildren, in laws and friends that support not only Dad but each other. There is never any hesitation to do whatever it takes to care for Dad and keep Mom going as well. I do sometimes wonder...what if things were different, but God has chosen this plan. So for as long as we have this path to take, we will, and at that end of it, there will be no regrets about having given the man with that amazing smile and big heart all the love and care he deserves in his own home. by the people that cherish him most!”
Donna – “Some don’t agree with our decision to care for dad at home. It’s a lot of work physically and mentally but I consider it an honor and privilege to take care of a man that means the absolute world to his family. I believe he has already defied the odds with his strength to fight this disease. I know in my heart he will give us a sign when he’s tired of the fight. For now we carry on day by day, cherishing the glimpses of the man still in there.”
I am a caregiver. My son, Jackson, required continuous care after his near- death car accident, and my sister and I take care of my 93-year- old mother. My wife, Kyra is a caregiver for me due to my diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She told me the ways she copes with this as well as how she cared for her mother: “I strive to incorporate humor and laughter every day in some way. I talk things through with good friends. I know that the person receiving my care would do anything in the world they could to not be in this situation, so I put myself in their shoes to try and understand how to help them as a partner. I try to take care of myself by getting enough sleep, and keeping busy through meaningful work where I can get my mind focused on a challenging task. I’ve needed to learn how to ask for help and gracefully receive it.”
In my next column, I will share comments from two men with pancreatic cancer whose wives are their primary caregivers.