Difficult conversation now to save friendship forever

DEARANNIE » I’m part of a group of eight women, all friends, who gather periodically for good conversation and to be together. But one of the women dominates the conversation for a significant time, every time.

It usually starts off with something like, “My husband,” or “My sisters,” or “My best friend’s son,” and most of the time it has nothing to do with the conversation we were in.

This friend is kind, generous and loving, and she certainly cares for all of us, but the overtaking of conversation is beginning to make a couple of us not want to come to our gatherings.

We can’t figure out how to let her know without hurting her. Can you help?

DEARSPOKESPERSONFOR THEGROUP » Your friend sounds kind and lovely but completely unaware of how she is dominating the conversation. People do this for all sorts of reasons, including social anxiety, boredom or feeling nervous by lulls in conversation. As her friend who truly cares about her, you need to let her know. When we know better, we do better.

A difficult conversation now will save her from a great deal of pain. If you don’t let her know what she is doing, then she will keep doing it and eventually the group will no longer be a group.

Have a one-onone conversation with her about your concerns. Before you sit down, go in with the mindset that you are doing this out of love and respect for your friendship. And start by pointing out her many positive qualities.

DEARANNIE » I’m sitting here reading a letter to you from “Lonely and Sad for my Birthday,” a gay man who has a troubled relationship with his family in part because of his sexuality. You encouraged him to look beyond his family members for the love and support that he deserves.

I want him to know about something that happened to me about 25 years ago. I went to my very first gay pride festival. I’m not gay, but I felt so very loved and accepted. It was a very joyful occasion. It seemed as if those individuals who knew all too well what it meant to be rejected were all the more dedicated to being inclusive and loving towards everyone. I was blown away by the feeling, and the warm glow stayed with me for a long time.

A few weeks later, I was leaving a movie I’d attended by myself, and I happened to be wearing a rainbow button that had been given to me at the festival. As I walked out the door, a man held the door open for me, smiled very warmly and said,

“Oh! You’re family!” And he went inside. I was confused for a moment. Then I remembered I was wearing the pin, and the warm glow returned — and it never left.

I tell this story to stress that one thing (out of many) that the gay community has given to the world is the strong and vital notion that we are ALL family, especially the connected notion that chosen family can be every bit as beautiful — if not more so — than blood family.

I know it can be brutal when family doesn’t love you for who you are (this happens to all kinds of people), but that doesn’t mean that you can’t make your own new family. And the best way to make good family is to make good friends. And the best way to make good friends is to be a good friend. I wish him happiness on his birthday and every day!

DEARBLESSED » Thank you for your beautiful letter reminding us that family can be found anywhere, as long as we’re open to it.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and ebook. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.