Why your angry child wants to stir up more anger

Why Your Angry Child Wants to Stir Up More Anger!

Many of you ask questions about your angry or grumpy child, who seems to be stuck in a negative pattern. Let us begin tackling this by considering a scenario that goes something like this: Your husband or wife, or a good friend, walks in the door, and they are in a bad mood. Perhaps it was the traffic. Or it could be the text from the boss, or maybe their children were screaming relentlessly. Who knows?

In a sense, it does not matter because the grumpiness is just oozing out of them. We see this in how they tend to ‘poke’ at the world and provoke anger or frustration from others.

With children, this experience is often amplified. Maybe you walk in the door with a simple greeting, they catch you off guard with a negative comment, and the two of you are off to the races in a fight you never asked for. Or perhaps you offer them a wonderful meal, only to have them ridicule and make fun of your loving efforts. If caught in the grumps, it is doubtful that you can help with anything because you are ‘stupid.’

When your son or daughter is grumpy or angry, there is often no warm-up phase. Nothing makes them happy. They complain about everything you do. You did not buy the right breakfast cereal, or they suddenly do not want to go to practice. No matter what you offer, they want to argue, complain or fight with you.

And somehow, they magically seem able to provoke unhappiness or grumpiness in you! They seem to seek it out and then have the magical ability to amplify your anger! How does this happen?

Pain Seeks Pain: Why Anger Seeks Negativity.

First, let’s be clear about something. The person in pain, unhappy, or grumpy is not aware that they seek to evoke grumpiness from the world. They are lost in their own ‘state of mind.’ They do not realize that they seek to find or create another grump or angry person.

They begin to share what is going on in their experience. The questions and thoughts that arise are not consciously chosen. It just shows up in their mind. Yet what shows up tends to be negative, critical, and often judgmental of others. These comments and actions tend to bring the grump the necessary negativity it seems to seek.

But they are not trying to make the world grumpy or unhappy (at least consciously). They are just caught in their state of mind. Imagine This… Pretend for the moment that every emotion is alive, sort of like a living ‘entity in the human body. And, while you may not know how the emotion came to be, you must understand how these emotions stay alive and thrive.

Here is a pointer: Every emotional state seems capable of evoking similar emotional states. Joyful folks seem to bring laughter to them. If we are depressed, we seek out companionship for a plethora of complaints. When angry, we see to try to find more anger in the world. If we cannot find the anger, we will provoke it.

In fact, if I am paying close attention, I notice that the world is a good barometer for my internal emotional state. In other words, if I wonder why everyone seems to be snarling at me, it is probably because I am snarling back at the world first. If others are smiling, it is likely because I am smiling out at the world.

So, what is going on here?

Answer: Anger Feeds on Anger. Sadness Feeds on Sadness. Joy Feeds on Joy.

It appears that our emotions feed off similar emotions to ‘stay alive.’ We know this not only from our observations, but also science confirms this. When we map the brain with a Quantitative EEG, we can see how this works as brain wave patterns do not just abruptly change. Instead, they tend to stay in ‘like-minded’ groups, then perpetuating the dominant emotional state.

Thus, if we imagine a negative emotional state strives to evoke a negative emotional state (to ensure its existence), we have a metaphor for understanding how the emotional world works. We see how quickly a loved one gets angry at us, and we can suddenly change states immediately. We then can understand how easily we seem to get lost in our child’s innocent joyfulness, as these beautiful states flow so effortlessly to them in the early stages of life.

And then, flow equally easefully into our hearts and minds.

We can also understand how the friend, who continues to complain about their husband or wife, seems to take us into a similar complaining mode about our situation (if not careful).

This lesson is critical to lay a foundation for real change for your angry, grumpy, and perhaps disrespectful child or teen. Many of you have tried threats, consequences, bribes, and an endless array of lectures and discussions. Nothing has worked.

One way of understanding this is to notice how successful your child’s anger has been in getting fed! Notice, almost effortlessly, how he or she can pull others into their anger. It is almost effortless.

Anger NEEDS MORE ANGER to survive. Without it, anger or pain cannot maintain its existence. While there is more to addressing anger in your home, this is job one: Understand how anger thrives, and determine what is feeding it. Then, eliminate the negativity that feeds that anger.

Next week, we will explore some specifics in detail, but for now, begin to see how this works and what you and do to ensure you do not feed others’ anger or your own.

Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com