Surely, they don’t sleep at night
DEAR ANNIE » I would like to comment on the letter you received about the daughter-in-law who is a people pleaser and wants her mother-in-law to like her. I am the granddaughter of a mother-in-law who was just like that. I grew up knowing my grandmother did not like my mom or any female who married into the family. I heard her say, “Your mother (insert backhanded compliment),” or, “I don’t like your hairstyle; it looks like (insert name of aunt who married into the family).”
As a result, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I was never good enough. This behavior was also extended to several cousins who had a mom who was not my grandmother’s biological child. I am now in my 50s, and the pain has not gone away. With therapy, it has lessened.
I would tell this wife and mother to stop. Her mother-in-law obviously does not want a relationship. I am sure she would not want the behavior that the mother-in-law is exhibiting to be extended to her children.
She should count herself lucky that this toxic woman does not want to be in her life. Sadly, my grandmother did not have any type of relationship with my children and could never understand why I did not have unwavering adoration for her.
— Outlawed In-laws’ Daughter.
DEAR OUTLAWED IN-LAWS’ DAUGHTER
» How someone treats you says a lot more about how she feels about herself than it does about you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Don’t ever give your unhappy grandmother your consent for her to make you feel inferior. Giving backhanded compliments or making petty comments about someone’s hairstyle never truly feels good on the inside. My hunch is that when these difficult mothers-inlaw put their heads down on the pillow at night after being so mean to all the females in their lives, they have trouble sleeping or even just living a joyful life.
Continue to work with your therapist on your depression and anxiety. And always remember that you are enough. The purpose of life is not to be perfect; the purpose is to enjoy the ride.
DEAR ANNIE » I have been a longtime reader of your column, and I have a problem that I’m sure others may have. I have been fully vaccinated because I work with young children. My husband has asthma, and I have several health concerns. Much to our delight, out eldest daughter is expecting our first grandchild in the fall.
My husband refuses to be vaccinated, and our daughter doesn’t want anyone around her newborn who is not vaccinated. My husband has been a good father, but this is very upsetting to me.
He belongs to a very conservative organization that is extremely anti-government. They believe these vaccines will eventually kill us and are part of a worldwide scam to steal our rights. He dismisses any information I provide as disinformation spread by the mainstream media.
I was looking forward to sharing the joys of grandchildren but will now have to do it alone. I feel he has put faith in this organization above his family. What can I do?
— No Vaccine Support
DEAR NO VACCINE SUPPORT » Congratulations on your first grandchild. Your husband will have to live with the consequences of not holding and bonding with his grandchild. Rather than trying to persuade him with information, focus on the fun and fulfillment you will feel and have with your new grandchild. And if the child looks like him or acts like him, be sure to tell him. In time, he just might come around.