Neighbors unwilling to trade when it comes to getting behind the wheel

DEAR ANNIE >> My husband and I are snowbirds in our late 60s. Most of our snowbird friends are several years older. We have neighbors in the North and in the South and we normally trade off taking turns driving back and forth.

Our dilemma is, we have a set of neighbors in our North home and one in our South home who will not let us drive them. I am an excellent driver. (My husband seldom drives.) Every time we plan a dinner out, one tells us that he “loves” to drive and the other claims it hurts her back to ride in someone else’s car. They refuse to get in our vehicle, which is a luxury car and quite dependable.

I know this is a control issue, but I don’t know how to handle it. To make up for being given a ride, I have treated one couple on occasion, but the other refuses any offers. Both parties live across the street from us and their stubborn refusal is putting a damper on our get-togethers. Any advice? DEAR SNOWBIRD >> Let’s be clear — your objection is that you cannot reciprocate by driving, and one couple will not allow you to reciprocate in any other way. You need to discuss this honestly with them. Tell your friends that you are uncomfortable not being able to return the favor, and that they must allow you to repay them in some fashion, perhaps treating them to dinner at a nice restaurant or buying them a gift card to their favorite store. Your other option, of course, is to drive separately, saying that you prefer to have your own car with you (a reasonable statement), and that you will see them when you get there. DEAR ANNIE >> I had to respond to “Confused Family Member,” whose niece is having a large wedding several months after a civil ceremony.

My husband and I, as have many of our close friends, had a civil ceremony prior to a larger wedding for family and friends. Members of the military do this quite frequently due to deployments and schedules. I have heard of other reasons, like couples waiting for immigration papers and couples who cannot have a church wedding for several months and prefer not to “live in sin.”

We just recently celebrated my son’s wedding a year after the couple was married by a judge at their duty station. It is because of responses by people like “Confused” that many of us try to keep it a secret so our guests believe they are coming to the “real” wedding.

When I married, the church ceremony meant more to me than the civil ceremony, and it is the same with my daughterin-law. Every bride wants to have her special day and it usually doesn’t mean standing in front of a judge with a couple of witnesses. The bigger wedding is a way for two families to get together and share in the joy of this newly married couple. The fact that they weren’t able to pull the party off until a year after the “first” marriage shouldn’t detract from the celebration. DEAR TWO >> Thank you for giving reasonable explanations for treating a second ceremony in a more compassionate way. Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar were longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@ comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

“I know this is a control issue, but I don’t know how to handle it. ”