Bridesmaid reciprocity

DEAR ANNIE >> I’m engaged to a man who is the love of my life, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic. My fiance, “Anthony,” proposed last week. We’ve tentatively set the date for next spring, and now I’m starting to do some preliminary wedding planning. I’m facing a dilemma regarding bridesmaids.

I’m the youngest of five siblings, and I’m the only girl. Yes, I have four elder brothers. (To answer the question almost everyone asks upon learning that fact, no, they were not overprotective of me. In fact, they teased me quite a bit.) Anyway, all of my brothers are married, meaning I finally have some sisters. I was a bridesmaid in all four weddings and the maid of honor in one of them. I’m not extremely close with any of my sisters-in-law, but I love them, of course. They’re family.

My conundrum is that I also have four best friends — two from high school and two from college — whom I would like to be my bridesmaids. They’re like sisters to me, too. Only one of them is married so far, but I was a bridesmaid in her wedding.

Now to the problem: Do I have to ask my sisters-inlaw to be my bridesmaids? Or can I just ask my friends? I know that some brides today have eight (or more) bridesmaids, but I’d like to keep it to four. I have no idea what the etiquette here is. I’ve read things online saying that you should pick whomever you want because it’s your wedding, but I could use some objective and realistic advice. Thanks in advance. DEAR ALWAYS >> Do you have to ask your sistersin-law to be bridesmaids? No. Should you? Yes, if you want to promote harmony in your family and grow closer with the women your brothers married.

I know I’ll hear from readers insisting that reciprocity is not a stipulation of being a bridesmaid. Just because a bride included you in her wedding party does not mean you have to return the honor. I completely agree with that. But this is family. Though your sisters-in-law would probably not hold any grudges if you didn’t ask them, I’m certain they would forever be touched by the gesture if you did. Your best friends should understand that better than anyone. DEAR ANNIE >> “Tired of Wedding Freeloaders” does not appreciate wedding guests who attend the festivities but who give a gift whose value is less than the cost of their participating. She considers a gift of $100 for two people an insult. Her opening sentence questioned how many times you go out to eat and expect a free meal.

Your answer — to invite loved ones because you love them and want them there — was adequate, but I feel it didn’t go far enough. “Tired” needs to realize that when people go out to eat, they always choose a restaurant they can afford. When they attend a wedding, their only choice is to go or not to go. They have no control over the venue or the menu or the cost. Weddings can be simple or extravagant, but the bride is usually the one who makes most of the decisions. If the math does not work for her, she needs to scale back her wedding plans and/or invite fewer guests. DEAR IMAGINE >> I absolutely agree with you, and I’ve advised other brides that way in the past. Thank you for adding that sentiment here.