Resentment builds after 20 years of ruined holidays

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for almost 20 years, and for all of those years, my in-laws have ruined my holiday season. I’ve tried really hard to be gracious, kind and generous. These are all of the attributes that my mother always told me that family is about. I come from a big close-knit family. We all share and contribute not only to family events but also to help one another out in general. Not my in-laws. My husband and I have hosted or paid for every single meal we’ve had with them.

My husband has been very protective of my feelings. He is so disgusted by the way they treat all of us that he would like to just cut them off. I can’t do it. I keep hearing my mom telling me that this is his family. I think he would regret it later, and I don’t want to be the cause.

Let me tell you what a holiday meal is like. I cook all of the food. They come without contributing anything and then take home all of the leftovers. They lie around and watch TV until it’s time to go home. They don’t talk to my kids or me. In fact, they couldn’t care less about anything that is happening with my family. Did I also mention that my brother-in-law and his wife guilt my husband into helping financially every month?

After 20 years of this, I can’t stand the sight of them. Knowing that I have to be cordial spoils my whole holiday season. I just want to run away, but my kids love Christmas with the family. I want to have a nice Christmas, not one that is filled with resentment. Is there a way? Bah Humbug Dear Bah Humbug: I commend your mother for instilling in you the importance of kindness. But it’s hard to feel kind when you’re too busy feeling resentful. You can keep the celebration cozy, with just you, your husband and your children. There is nothing wrong with doing this, and I encourage you to give it a shot.

If you can’t bring yourself to change your plans, then change your attitude. Channel the Whoville spirit. Make your mind up to have a delightful time no matter how frightful your in-laws’ behavior. The main takeaway here is that whether or not your holiday is “doomed” is entirely up to you.