Grandma worried about family

Dear Annie: I am a grandma trying to keep my nose out of my son’s life. “Barry” and my daughter-in-law have been separated for six years but are not divorced. Their children stay with their mother, “Angie,” for school days and with Barry when there is no school. The kids have spent the past four summers with me. Things have been pretty amicable. I get along with everyone and speak to Angie almost every day. We do not usually talk about problems regarding my son, but things have gotten a little out of control.

My son is living with a girlfriend, “Bridget.” Bridget is a drinker, and my son tends to head down that lane if encouraged, but he is not a good drinker. Well, there was an argument, and the police were called, and he was put under a protective order and cannot be near Bridget. They are not respecting that order and are back together.

Angie refuses to allow the children to go to Bridget and Barry’s house. So for the past month, he has been coming to our house with the kids every weekend.

But now Bridget’s family is coming for a visit, and he is planning a vacation with them and the kids. Angie found out, and now it’s an all-out war. I ended up in the hospital, and my doctor believes the stress over this situation put me over the edge.

Barry and Angie have always gotten along, and it breaks my heart to see this all falling apart. I think Bridget was threatened by their having a good relationship and decided to stir the pot. I want to shake him and make him see that Angie is right, but I just do not want to fight.

I told Angie I don’t want to talk about it — I am supportive of her but can’t be stressed. Am I handling this right? Nervous Nana

Dear Nervous Nana: The person who should be worried is not you but your son. The fact that he could go to jail and lose custody altogether should be enough to persuade him to reach out for real help with his alcohol problem. If his current girlfriend is bringing him down this bad path, he must ask himself whether she is worth possibly losing his kids over.

You are correct to maintain a good relationship with the mother of your grandchildren. Remember that all three of you share a common goal — namely, doing what is best for their kids. Lying is never a good thing. Be as honest as you can with your concerns about your son, and continue to keep an open line of communication with your daughter-in-law.