Ex-wife admits to blaming reader for failed marriage

Dear Annie: I am currently in my second (and final!) marriage. My current wife and former wife are not active friends but have met many times and get along very well. My current wife is inquisitive and tends to get information that she wants from people. She has let me know that my ex-wife told her a great deal about me, including the extent to which she feels I was responsible for the collapse of the marriage. I do not entirely concur with my ex-wife’s account, and as a matter of fact, when my first marriage collapsed, my ex-wife said to me, “This is no one’s fault.” I feel that my current wife has accepted my ex-wife’s version of events and believes it was my fault, and I am left having to defend myself. I wonder what your thoughts are about what I consider a most unusual situation.

Marital Oddity

Dear Marital Oddity: Keep in mind that your wife may be misrepresenting what your ex-wife said. Either way, I have to wonder what your wife’s goal is. Why would she go digging for dirt on your previous marriage? Why would she tell you what your ex said? Why is she so focused on whose “fault” the divorce was? Perhaps this was her passive-aggressive way of bringing up problems in your relationship. I’d recommend asking her about it. See whether there’s anything you two can work through.

If, on the other hand, she was just being nosy and she keeps gossiping with your ex, you might ask her for the phone number of an old boyfriend so you can get the sordid details of their breakup. She would see how the shoe feels on the other foot.

Dear Annie: I am responding to the letter from “Unsure What to Do,” whose brother has largely cut him and his mother out of his life. The ages of the individuals were not mentioned, and it probably doesn’t matter, but I am 74 years old and have dealt with a variety of family members at different times on this very issue.

Some of us do not want to see loved ones in pain and/ or dying and tend to distance ourselves from them when we really should be closest to them. It is not meant to hurt anyone and does not mean we don’t love them. In fact, it means we love them very much. I’m not sure we even understand why we do this, other than to protect ourselves from the pain and a possibly undesirable outcome. Selfish? Maybe. But not on purpose.

I believe this is what “Josh,” the brother of “Unsure What to Do,” is doing, and “Unsure What to Do” and his mother should take a different look at it and completely put out of their minds that he’s trying to hurt them. He may just be hurting inside himself.

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes because my 55-year-old son-in-law will be having brain surgery later this week and may not come through it. And no, I’m not at the hospital visiting. I will either remember him as he was and the fun we had the last time I saw him or watch him recover and be healthy again. But my last image of him won’t be him in pain in a hospital bed.

Love Is the Answer

Dear Love Is the Answer: I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability here. For people who are in the dark about why loved ones are absent, perhaps your perspective will offer some light. I hope your son-in-law’s surgery is a success. Send your questions to askthedoctors@mednet.ucla. edu, or write: Ask the Doctors, c/o Media Relations, UCLA Health, 924 Westwood Blvd., Suite 350, Los Angeles, CA, 90095..