Grandmas live with family to help raise grandchildren

Dear Annie: We would like your advice before there is a problem. We will be moving later this year to live with our son and his family. They have a duplex, and we will have our own unit. We expect to provide child care to our granddaughter and for the new baby coming soon. We will all be together during the Thanksgiving weekend and have plans to work out some logistics and clarify expectations.

Our question to you is, What are some things that we should consider as we talk about our plans? Currently, we all get along well and would like to keep it that way. We take care of our granddaughter frequently, and of course, we do it free. If we were to be full-time caregivers for the newborn, then neither of us would be able to work. Would it be reasonable to exchange child care for a reduction in rent? How do we set limits on our availability? What else should we discuss prior to the move? Two Grandmas Dear Two Grandmas:

It’s fantastic you’re being proactive to head off potential sources of conflict. Absolutely, I think it’s reasonable to ask for a reduction in rent because you’ll be helping to take care of their children full time. Your child care will most likely save your son and daughter-inlaw thousands of dollars a year in baby-sitting or day care fees. You should also discuss how you all would like to handle other living expenses, such as utilities. And beyond finances, you should also discuss your general expectations about living together — how much time you’ll spend together, what things tend to bother you, etc. Some conflicts will inevitably arise from time to time, but they’ll be much easier to resolve if you’ve established open lines of communication from the start.

For more tips on ensuring a smooth transition to living with adult children, see “Considering Moving Your Loved One into Your Home?” on AARP’s website. It includes a checklist of questions that both the adult children and the parents should take into account.

Dear Annie: A recent column had a letter from a woman who is a great giftgiver but who questioned not receiving thoughtful gifts herself. Your response was good. Another possibility follows:

Many of us grew up in households where gifts were scarce because of a lack of funds or had parents who focused on being fortunate and primarily gave gifts to those considered less fortunate. Consequently, we never thought about giving gifts to those who did not “need” them. As an adult, I still think primarily about what a person needs. I have difficulty thinking beyond that boundary and tend to give gifts such as gift cards so the recipients can purchase things they “need.” Those are not exciting but do represent an effort to give meaningful gifts by those who are not gifted at gifting. Tim

Dear Tim: I’ve often heard gripes about gift cards being lazy gifts, and I’ve always thought that is harsh and unfair. If someone gives you a gift that seems generic, it doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t care. For the most part, we’re all trying our best. Thank you for articulating this point so well and for offering some more food for thought to “Gift-Giving Guru.”