The Register Citizen (Torrington, CT)
Annual hunting bills more than he can bear
I have covered the Connecticut Legislature — with varying degrees of commitment and in various moods — since 1979. I will not be contradicted when I say that each of those sessions contained one or more raised bills in what I call the Hunting Mad Libs category.
To wit: “It shall be legal for ________to hunt _______with a ______during ________.”
It shall be legal for allergists to hunt mountain lions with a crossbow during Lent. It shall be legal for children under 10 to hunt deer with a Saturday Night Special during October. It shall be legal for grandmothers to hunt squirrels with grenade launchers mounted on shopping carts during breakfast.
The point is, somebody wants to shoot something. Can they? Please?
And then, in the wee hours of the sessions, these things get traded out, so that you have an otherwise sane legislator telling you, in the hallway, “It looks like I’ll get early childhood education funding if I support flamethrower bobcat hunting on Sundays.”
This year, it is bears. Look, there are too many bears in Connecticut. Nobody knows how many because bears do not keep good records, and Winsted is the only town where they can legally register to vote.
One of the least helpful points of clarification in the history of human knowledge came recently from Fran Silverman, spokeswoman for Friends of Animals, a conservation group. She told the Environment Committee that, although there were 8,922 reported bear sightings in Connecticut last year, “every sighting is not a different black bear.”
Thank you, Fran, for knocking down the idea that there are 8,922 bears in Connecticut, each of whom has been seen only once.
A personal note: A few Halloweens ago, I pulled into the driveway around dusk and saw two kids in bear costumes who turned out to be actual bears. I live one block from the Hartford-West Hartford line and maybe 2.5 blocks from the governor’s mansion, where the Malloys always gave out epic amounts of candy.
(Not clear whether Gov. Ned Lamont, a declared enemy of sugariness, will keep the tradition going. Rumor has it he may give the kids stock tips instead.)
I called the police. I reported the bears. I explained — in clear and concise highpitched screaming — the situation as I saw it.
“I’ll pass that along to animal control,” the dispatcher said.
“No, this is an emergency. The bears have left my yard and are running toward hundreds of small human life forms squealing and waving bags of food in the air!” “I’ll pass that along.” “Look, there’s a raccoon in the kitchen with me. I’m going to put him on the line and maybe he can explain this better.”
Providence intervened. The bears did not eat the children. But it doesn’t seem like a sustainable situation, does it? Along comes Senate Bill 586, which would allow bear hunting in Litchfield County and mandate a Viking funeral for every dead bear. (I made up that second part, but I could see Viking bear funerals as a real tourist draw at area lakes.)
At a legislative public hearing, a tiny flaw in the bill was detected. It appears possible, based on testimony, that Simsbury has more bears than any other town. This dates back to 2013-2015 when they were allowed to play on travel soccer teams. Bad decision!
What to do? One idea: Put some baloney on a stick, lure the bear over the county line and blow its brains out. (Do not try this.) Second idea: Add Simsbury to Litchfield County. Who would notice?
There are of course deeper questions. Which is more dangerous? A bear examining your pizza box or a hunter under the influence of three Pabst Blue Ribbons racing through your backyard? (There is no question which is cuter.)
Along comes Senate Bill 894, which would require the state to come up with nonlethal methods of keeping bears out of heavily populated areas, including noise deterrents (but then we humans would have to listen to those Marshall Tucker Band records, which hardly seems fair) and “non-lethal hazing devices.”
Say what? Are we talking paddling and vomit-inducing drinking games? Is that what our state is? A 5,543-square-mile frat house? (Actually, that could explain a lot.)
Not mentioned in any bill is my proposal for ursourology hunting. Teams of hunters would shoot male bears with tranquilizers and then perform vasectomies on them. It would be exciting, working against the clock. You don’t want to be doing that particular thing when the bear wakes up.
We also need to bid farewell to the idea of “relocating” bears back to sparsely populated areas. What do you think they’re doing here in the first place? They want to be where the lights are bright and the pizza boxes are greasy and the kung pao chicken is unfinished.
If we’re going to relocate them, well, what about Rentschler Field in East Hartford? It is currently used only six times a year, when students from UConn play a game somewhat resembling football.
What if it were a bear habitat the rest of the time? We could sell tickets. People will sit and watch bears do just about anything, including eating soft-serve ice cream cones.
I’m sure we could find something for the bears to do on those six home game dates. Don’t we have a deserted New Haven tennis stadium they could hang around in?