A husband seems to resent when reader gets social

Dear Annie: My husband, “Earl,” can be friendly. We usually are very compatible, but once in a while, I feel verbally abused.

For example, his insurance company has an annual dinner. At the dinner two years ago, the man seated on the other side of Earl tried to converse with both of us, while Earl stared straight ahead. After a while, I felt uncomfortable talking with this man across Earl. As we got up to leave, Earl stood behind me and stated sarcastically, “If you want to stay and visit, I could come back later.” I asked him last year not to buy tickets, and he didn’t, but he just came home with tickets for this year’s dinner, and I reminded him that I said I would never attend one again. He says I hold a grudge and I keep track of occasions he doesn’t even remember. He also says I am never happy unless I’m complaining about him.

Similar statements have embarrassed me through the years. I may see a neighbor and visit for only a couple of minutes. He could walk over and get introduced, but he stands near the exit or gets in the car, glaring at me, and then announces that maybe the neighbor could drive me home if I’m not ready yet. Or when we’re just out and about and people are friendly, I sometimes strike up a conversation. He may say, “Maybe you’d like to spend the day with them.”

Today I tried to make him understand, but it ended with him telling me to move out. Am I too sensitive? Dear Fly in the Ointment: No, you are not being too sensitive. When he escalates any conflict to “Why don’t you just move out?” he is holding the relationship hostage. This manipulation tactic makes it virtually impossible for you to have any sort of constructive conversation about the relationship.

Because your husband seems far from ready to admit this to you or even to himself, it’s time to enlist the aid of an objective third party. Tell your husband you’d like to go to marriage counseling. It’s the best hope for improving the health of your relationship. Please let me know how it goes; I’d love to hear back from you.