The Register Citizen (Torrington, CT)
Mother’s Day a new challenge during pandemic
Vincent and Diane Santilli, have barely seen their 93-year-old mother Rose Santilli, of Bridgeport, since her nursing facility banned visitors in early March to try to prevent patients from being exposed to the coronavirus, a stark contrast to the siblings’ typical daily visits.
This Sunday will be no different, as the pandemic has changed Mother’s Day plans for countless families across the state.
New mothers are delivering babies at a time when hospitals are busy treating COVID-19 patients, and
nursing homes can’t allow visitors. Some mothers are quarantining with their children, while some working on the front lines are purposely isolating to keep their families healthy.
The siblings feared the loss of family contact would “be the end of mom.” Then the situation got worse — she tested positive for COVID-19 on April 21. Vincent said he and his sister caught brief glimpses of their mother when she was transported to the hospital and back again to the nursing facility.
“So we’ve seen her for a grand total of a minute and 30 seconds after seeing her every day,” he said. But, he added, “She’s rallying. She’s fighting her way back . ... I think she’s just so determined to see us again.”
Their hope is that Rose Santilli will soon be well enough to communicate with them from the other side of a window looking out onto the nursing facility’s courtyard.
“That’s what we’re just praying for — to have that opportunity,” he said. “Who would have thought that?”
Home Instead, in Norwalk, is helping other older patients in similar situations. This weekend, they delivered donated flower baskets to residents who are mothers and might be feeling isolated this year.
Stressful time for moms
This Mother’s Day will carry extra meaning, especially given the extra tasks mothers are taking on during the pandemic, said Stephanie VanHatten, the assistant director of behavioral health for the Family & Children’s Agency in Norwalk.
Mothers are having to take on numerous jobs at the same time while at home and without normal
stress outlets, she said, adding this can take a toll on their mental health.
“There’s a lot of pressure being put on mothers and moms are putting on themselves with their mom guilt to make sure their children are getting what they need,” she said. This includes worrying if their children will get sick, appropriate screen or outside time, and tackling distance learning.
As a mother of an 18month old daughter, VanHatten said she has experienced the challenge many women face of wanting to excel at their job while being available for their children.
She suggested creating a schedule with individual time built in to give parents and children a break This can reduce anxiety and give family members something to plan for or look forward to, she said. Another option is ending the day with journaling and highlighting the good things, no matter how small.
“If we end the day thinking about the positives that happened, it makes it easier to start the next day on a positive,” VanHatten said.
She noted it’s important mothers know they’re not alone and to have support, whether it’s talking to a therapist, friends or joining a Facebook group with other mothers.
An unexpected time for those expecting
Being pregnant with a first child can be stressful enough, but doing so during pandemic has added some unforeseen challenges for Lindsay Perry.
She’s relying on her support network of her Family & Children’s Agency coworkers, as well as other friends and family members who are also pregnant.
“Being my first, it’s really challenging,” Perry said. “I don’t know what to expect.”
Perry already had to change many of her birthing plans due to the restrictions in place. She and her husband will no longer hire a doula, since only one person can accompany the mother in the delivery room. They’re also going to pack a more substantial hospital bag, since people won’t be able to leave and return as often as they’d like.
Perry doesn’t expect these restrictions to ease by her Sept. 2 due date, and instead worries a resurgence in the fall could mean tightening them.
So far, her husband hasn’t been allowed to attend some of her appointments or even video call in, including the anatomy scan — the most defined ultrasound that happens during a pregnancy.
“It’s been hard,” Perry said.
The couple had signed up for prenatal classes at Stamford Hospital, where she plans to give birth, so they could meet other new parents in the area, but all of those have moved online. Her July baby shower will most likely become virtual.
She and her husband are more careful about leaving their Norwalk home and only buy groceries once every three weeks.
“I am way more cautious and stringent about social distancing than I would have been,” Perry said. “We can’t risk that extra contact.”
The Perrys aren’t sure their parents will be permitted to visit them in the hospital once the baby is born, and are preparing for the difficult conversation of telling the new grandaprents they’ll have to wait.
“I’m hoping we don’t have to do introductions through a window, but we’ll do what we have to to feel safe,” she said.
Even with all of that, Perry says she’s lucky because she and her husband are still employed and he’s able to be there with her. She’s also able wear comfortable clothes.
“I’m trying to look on the bright side as much as possible,” she said.
A different kind of celebration
Last Mother’s Day, Lindsey Laughinghouse had a tea party with her daughters and mother on the Essex steam train — complete with surprise matching outfits from her husband.
They had hoped to do it again this Sunday, but that won’t be possible given the pandemic.
“It’s probably something we’ll remember even more than other Mother’s Days because it’s so unique,” said Laughinghouse, a nurse practitioner at New Milford Primary Care.
She and her daughters, ages 3 and 5, will instead dress up at home and have a tea party in their backyard in Brookfield. They’ll also surprise their grandparents with a garden of chalk flowers on their driveway in nearby Bridgewater.
“People can still make it a very special and meaningful Mother’s Day,” she said.
Florists are also seeing an uptick in Mother’s Day orders, said Leah Van Ness, president of the Connecticut Florist Association.
“This year in particular,
we have found so very many people want their loved ones to get flowers since they can not safely celebrate as they have in years past,” she said.
Laughinghouse said this year’s Mother’s Day is more about connections than material items, especially since it’s not as easy to go to the store to pick something up.
“It’s about spending spending some time and letting mom know you appreciate her and love her,” she said. “It’s experiencing the emotional aspects that sometimes gets hidden in these types of holidays.”
Laughinghouse suggested having a virtual brunch, watching a favorite movie together but separate, or taking an online exercise or cooking class.
Another idea is for children to interview their mother with questions about aspects of her life they wouldn’t normally ask about, such as her first job or wedding day.
“It’s kind of fun because it’s not stuff that would come up in regular conversation,” she said.
For those families quarantining together, she suggested playing a game, cooking a meal or having a picnic or tea party in the backyard. Making mom breakfast in bed or giving her some time to relax on her own are also possible ideas. Dropping off a meal from a local restaurant can be a way to treat mothers who live nearby.
Simple things like calling and sending a card are also nice ways to show love to mothers. Laughinghouse said this is especially true for those mothers and grandmothers who might be celebrating alone this year because social distancing prevents their families from visiting them.
Staff writer Brian Lockhart contributed to this report.