The Register Citizen (Torrington, CT)
Unmasking latest Political Power Rankings
Many people have asked me: “Are there still going to be regular Political Power Rankings even though there’s a pandemic?”
OK, nobody has actually asked me that, but I am taking Zoom courses in developing my Jedi powers. Hence, I can sense a tremendous interest in this question.
Before we plunge back in, let me go over the methodology for newcomers. No registered voters were sampled. All numbers are made up. The margin of error is 100 percent. If a politician’s name does not appear on this list, it means that I did not have anything interesting to say about that person. Therefore, Bob Duff does not appear on this list.
Ned Lamont, 104.1. Ned Lamont is like Spinal Tap. I’m pretty sure the rankings top out at 100, but he can go higher, because governors are magic. Ordinarily, governor and mayor are the worst jobs in politics because people actually expect things from you. Now, it’s as if the Blue Fairy cast a spell on all of us, and we love governors so much. (The Red Fairy maybe didn’t do such a great job.) How much do we love governors? In the expanded PPRs, which are available by mailing me $10, Dan Malloy has been sucked back onto the list, even though he is no longer a governor and lives in Maine, which I’m pretty sure is just a territory.
Chris Murphy, 98.1.
Murphy is sort of like “Friday Night Lights.” Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose. The national online publication Vox recently ran an adulatory profile accompanied by a picture in which Murphy appeared to be using his political clout to advance the “leggings for men” movement. People keep asking me if Murphy is going to be Biden’s secretary of state or run for governor in 2022 so he can more plausibly run for president. And I keep saying, “He has a Senate seat he cannot possibly lose. He can say whatever is on his mind 24/7.” I mean, it’s like asking Mickey Mouse if he wants to run the National Institutes of Health. He’s
Mickey Mouse. I guess at NIH he could green-light more experiments on ducks, but, like Murphy, he has a job where he can do whatever he wants and never has to wait in line.
Richard Blumenthal and Themis Klarides, tied at 77.1. We have as complete an idea as is possible to have of the policies and approaches to governance of Richard Blumenthal, but we will never find him particularly exciting. In the case of Themis Klarides, it is exactly the opposite.
Susan Bysiewicz, 72.3. The German mathematician Georg Cantor proposed three realms of infinity: the infinity of God, the infinity of nature and the infinity of press releases Bysiewicz can generate about essentially nothing. Here is the heading of a real press release I received Wednesday. I cannot stress enough: this is merely the heading. “TOMORROW: LT. GOVERNOR BYSIEWICZ VISITS ROCKY HILL
FARM TO PROMOTE AVAILABILITY OF CTGROWN PRODUCTS FOR MOTHER’S DAY CELEBRATIONS; PARTICIPATES IN VIRTUAL TOWN HALL MEETING TO SUPPORT VETERANS; JOINS VIRTUAL TOWN HALL MEETING TO SUPPORT SMALL BUSINESSES.” Sigh. The time between now and November 2022 is going to seem like an eternity.
Chris Dodd, 2.3. Is it not a bitter political irony that the uxorious Joe Biden, who was famous and unique among senators for boarding Amtrak at the end of every working day to be with his beloved Jill, now stands accused of backing a woman against a wall and interfering with her person? Is it not bizarre that Biden has chosen this moment to appoint to his running mate selection committee a man who, during the multiple decades of his misspent youth, developed a reputation for that kind of thing?
Generic Connecticut Libertarian, minus 13.0. In “Tristram Shandy,” the title character has an Uncle Toby, who is much devoted to reenacting historic battles with miniature soldiers, but the narrator opines: “So long as a man rides his Hobby-Horse peaceably and quietly along the King’s highway, and neither compels you or me to get up behind him, pray, Sir, what have either you or I to do with it?”
That is how I used to feel about libertarians. I don’t want to talk to them at barbecues, and their ideas don’t make any sense, and it’s a little annoying that they are not mollified by already having a president who hates government, doesn’t know how to do anything and can’t point out countries on a map.
I mean, we know what it’s like when government steps away from the people’s business. It’s like the present moment, when people are being tested for antibodies with Ronco Serology Kits.
Like Uncle Toby, they were no real trouble. But now Connecticut libertarians find it necessary to demonstrate every Monday against reasonable pandemic measures because they apparently believe the disease would simply go away if people drove around all day honking their horns. Honk honk honk.
Stop doing that or I will punish you with my new Jedi powers.