Man still hasn’t finalized divorce after dating 5 years

Dear Annie: I am 24 years old, and my boyfriend is 64. We have been in a relationship for five years. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a person: He’s smart, funny, intelligent, caring and handsome. When we first started dating, I assumed that he was divorced, and I never bothered to ask otherwise. But after we’d been dating for some time, he took me to a lake house one weekend and said that we were there so that he could finalize his divorce. Well, for one reason or another the divorce never actually happened.

He and his wife have two grown children. I’m really not sure how to go forward with our relationship. I confronted him about not being divorced, and his excuse was he didn’t have enough time to go through all the steps of the divorce proceedings.

I feel so hurt. It’s so painful to be in love with someone whom I may or may not have to myself. When we first started dating, he would talk about how he wanted to marry me. But now things have changed.

It’s been a shock to me. I didn’t even want marriage at first, because I was unsure if that’s what I wanted with him. But now to know that it’s probably never going to happen for us — I just can’t shake my feelings at all for him. We live together but sleep in separate rooms to avoid engaging in physical intimacy before marriage, yet I’m starting to think that day might never come. It breaks my heart deeply. I’m still happy with him at times, but there are other times where I’m just heartbroken.

Desperate for Advice

Dear Desperate: If he hasn’t left her after five years, he’s probably never going to leave her — and that’s just as well, for your sake. Why would you want to marry a man who clearly has such little respect for marriage?

I know that he must seem like the whole world to you right now, because you started dating him when you were just 19. But I promise you he’s not. Break it off and find someone who gives you love, not excuses.

Dear Annie: I hate all the holidays. Am I weird? I don’t want to decorate or buy special things or exchange gifts or make cookies.

Holiday Anxiety

Dear Holiday Anxiety: You’re far from weird. In fact, a 2018 survey found that the holiday season stresses out 88% of Americans. Many dread the financial strain and family drama. Perhaps you’ll find the holidays less stressful once you let go of all expectations — of you and of others.

This year, with the holidays muted out of necessity, I hope that we see how unnecessary all of the spending and stressing is. The season can and should be a time for family, grateful reflection, service and rest. I hope that by this time next year, we’ll all be seeing our loved ones in person again and realize what a gift it is just to have one another.

Dear Annie: I have a suggestion for friends and family members who would like to help caregivers. Don’t just say, “If you need me, please call me.” The caregiver is probably not going to do that. Instead say, “I would like to come over and relieve you for a few hours tomorrow or the next day so you can have a few hours away.” This would be such a blessing to a caregiver. I’d appreciate your sharing this.

Caring

Dear Caring: This is truly the best way to help caregivers. Many are either too busy or too selfless to ask for specific help but would be glad to have it. Thanks.