The Register Citizen (Torrington, CT)
Reader feels bad for projecting insecurities onto others
Dear Annie: My girlfriend and I have been together for two years.
I have a few insecurities. She is the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I’m happier than I have ever been. I trust her completely, yet one of my insecurities is that I’m always asking if she is happy and if she is OK or sad. These questions drive her nuts. I want to stop this but want to understand why I do this. My kids say I do it to them, too.
Please help me. I don’t want to bury my feelings, but I don’t want to say things that drive her crazy.
Help My Insecurities
Dear Insecurities:
Not to worry. Help is on the way. The first step to change is the desire to change, and you have already demonstrated that by writing this letter.
The second thing to know is that what you are doing is projecting your own feelings of sadness and feeling not OK onto everyone around you who you love.
Try a morning check-in with yourself. Sit quietly for a few minutes and ask yourself, am I OK or do I feel sad? It’s fine to feel sad, and by writing down what is making you sad, you can start to work through it. Remember these feelings won’t last forever. Below is a poem by Jalaluddin Rumi, written 800 years ago, with eternal truths. “The Guest House”
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
As the poem says, picture your feelings as little guests in your house. If we are kind to those feelings and hospitable, they are glad to be acknowledged and appreciated. Seeking the help of a professional therapist will also help greatly.