My plan to save Earth

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about climate change, not to mention global warming, especially after our street got hit with so much flooding my neighbor’s yard turned into Lake Okeechobee, and I was worried about an infestation of alligators.

It’s been a rainy season and more monsoons are on the way, and I’m already really tired of wet-vac’ing our basement and pumping out the yard.

I’m not sure who’s to blame. China? India? My cousin’s gas guzzling Mega Cab RAM 3500 pickup? Taylor Swift’s private jet? Those plastic bags from Walmart? Our hot water heater?

Anyway, it’s time for the little guy to take action, especially after years of listening to legislators beat their conga drums and hearing celebrities virtue signaling in Hollywood, where they have the highest rate of hypocrites per capita in the world.

Forget AOC and the Green New Deal — or is it the New Green Deal? — and Greta Thunberg and whatever deal she’s doing. I’ve come up with my own deal to save the planet just in time for Earth Day.

First of all, the government should keep its paws off our gas stoves and go after the real culprits in the fashion and beauty industries.

Ban those polyester stretch pants that women and men wear and dress them in denim overalls, preferably with suspenders. The Kardashians would look great in farm girl ensembles.

After the oil industry, the fashion industry is the second biggest polluter, and polyester is a large part of the problem.

“Most polyester and polyester blends are either incinerated, releasing carbon dioxide and potentially harmful toxins into the air, which contributes to air pollution and climate change, or sent to landfills,” says the Sustainable Fashion Forum. “Polyester items do not biodegrade easily and pose long-term environmental harm when landfilled.”

And let’s not ignore the $50 billion beauty industry, with its wasteful packaging and excessive use of natural resources, such as soy and palm. If Joe Biden tells movie stars and celebrities to go makeup free, it will also cut down on the number of selfies they take, significantly reducing social media pollution.

Sorry, but you people with hair have to do your part, too. No more hair dryers. It’s a small price to pay for a clean planet. Sooner or later, the feds will break down your bathroom door and confiscate your hair dryer. It’s a small price to pay. One hair dryer sends 60 pounds of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere a year, or 120 pounds if it’s my wife’s.

We also have to go after manufacturers of plastic and Styrofoam cups and plates. Why are paper products so hard to find and why do they cost twice as much as plastic?

Then, we have to repeal that tax on grocery bags. The price of groceries has gone up so much in the last four years, supermarkets should be giving us free bags. And what about this 10-cent deposit on cans and bottles? Let the towns and cities pay for it since they’re making millions off the stuff we put in recycling bins every week.

Plus, it’s time to get rid of K-cups, which aren’t biodegradable or recyclable and won’t decompose for 500 years. Bring back the percolator coffee pot, which makes a cup of Joe that will stick to your ribs and your molars.

Joe Biden also needs to ban leaf blowers and make Americans rely on their rakes the way they did in the olden days. It’s better for people, better for the soil and better for the planet.

If he’s serious about sustainability, he should ban public officials and politicians from taking private jets. Make them join the rest of humanity on commercial jets, where parts are falling off, doors are opening, people are fighting, and viruses are running wild at 37,000 feet.

Instead of snooping on retirees, the feds should round up activists who deface paintings such as the Mona Lisa and send them on road gangs to pick up litter along interstate highways so they can do something productive rather than destructive.

To critics who insist I don’t know what I’m talking about, I resoundingly respond: “I agree!” But that doesn’t stop me from talking, just like every Tom, Dick and Mary in America. In fact, it should qualify me to have my own talk show, podcast and late-night comedy gig like Stephen Colbert.

Lastly, I’d require every American, young and old, large and small, of every race, creed and gender, to plant a tree on Arbor Day, which is April 26. That would give our country 34.5 million more trees a year.

This observance began 140 years ago, when the Rev. Birdsey Northrop, a Yale graduate, advocated establishing Arbor Day in our state and country. He also traveled to Japan, Australia, Europe and Canada to promote the cause.

Consider this: A century ago, the United States had only 70 million trees because of deforestation. Today, there are 230 billion. One person can make a difference when they stop complaining and take action.

So that’s my plan to save the planet. It’s not the Green Deal, it’s the Crazy Deal.