From good books to goodbyes Getting distant and coming back

This is not, as they say, my first rodeo. I know the drill. I’ve done it plenty. But it never gets easier saying “goodbye.”

Some years ago, when my husband changed jobs, we left our families and friends in California to move to Las Vegas.

It wasn’t easy, but we made the best of it. Our one big regret is the 500 miles it puts between us and the people we love.

So we try to visit often, especially since adding grandchildren to the mix.

The difference between grown children and grandbabies is not how you feel about them. I love and miss mine all the same. But the little ones change overnight.

Skip one month in the life of a toddler and you’ve got to start all over. Not only will he forget you, he will look and act like an entirely different child.

My grown kids don’t change quite that fast. And if I don’t get to see them for a month, at least I know they’ll remember me.

They’d better. I’ve spent a lot of years chiseling my name in their memory banks. I started when they were born: “I’m your mama,” I whispered in their tiny ears, “don’t you dare forget me.”

I said it so often that in time I didn’t need to say it. I could just give them a certain look and they knew what I meant.

So far it seems to be working. Either they remember me or they’re pretty good at faking it.

The grandbabies are different. I don’t see them often enough to do much chiseling. But I try. For starters, I send them stuff. Books, usually, that cost $3.99 and ship for free. I order online and a few days later, I get a call from a little voice: “Thank you for my book, Nana, I yuv it!”

Every time they see a FedEx truck, they shout, “Nana!” When I go to visit, as I did this week, I try to spend time alone with each of them (preferably without their parents) doing whatever they like best.

Randy is 3. He likes to build train tracks. I built a trestle that went nowhere and he doubled over laughing when I showed him how trains can fly.

Henry is 2. He likes to play with his jungle animals. So I threw a jungle party and they all showed up: the lion, the rhino, the gorilla, the giraffe. And we danced until I dropped.

Wiley is 1. He likes his mama. I can’t do much about that. But he also likes to eat. So I fed him his favorites: eggs for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, pizza for dinner, crackers for snacks. And he gave me a big Wiley kiss.

I bathed them, diapered them, zipped them in their jammies and read 50 books, give or take. (“Goodnight, Gorilla,” “Giraffes Can’t Dance” and “Snuggle Puppy” were the biggest hits.)

Randy said, “Thank you, Nana, for being my nana.” Henry called me his “little darling.” Wiley pointed at me with his chubby finger and grinned.

Then I tucked them in bed, rubbed my face in their curls and asked God to watch over them forever and always and bring their parents home soon.

It was easy. Exhausting, yes. Even my teeth got tired. But it was a breeze as it always is to do something you were born to do. The hard part, as usual, was having to say goodbye.

It’s an unnatural act to leave someone you love — especially a child who can’t understand why you show up for a few days to build train tracks and throw jungle parties and let him eat too many crackers, only to get on an airplane and fly away.

There is no way to explain it. So I kissed their parents and promised to come back soon. Then I hugged those little boys tighter than I should and whispered in their ears, “I’m your nana, don’t forget me.”

Then I flew home and went online to send them more stuff.

You can’t buy love. You can only give it freely and hope to get it back. But $3.99 is a small price to pay for a memory.

At least until they’re teenagers and want me to buy them a car.

Sharon Randall can be contacted at P.O. Box 777394, Henderson NV 89077 or at www.sharonrandall.com.

Your relationship may be generally feeling fine, and other things in your life may be going smoothly as well, but you may still sense that something is missing, and it’s making you take a second look at your life and love.

The truth is that it is difficult to feel close to the one you love all the time. We all have our problems that we have to give our attention to, and sometimes we can get so deeply involved in a work or family issue that we begin to feel distant from our mates (and ourselves).

The hard part is identifying when you are the one who is overly involved in other things. Sometimes it can be difficult to hear the one you love tell you that he or she could use a little more of your attention. In fact, if you have a very supportive mate, he or she may choose instead to allow you to stay ontask, allowing you to focus on whatever you’re busy doing and not feel like you are neglecting your partner.

You may not want to distract your partner from the tasks at hand even if you are feeling neglected. That being said, if you are feeling like you want to be closer to the one you love, you need to speak up. Many times, just a few words are all it takes to help your partner remember to take some steps in your direction.

Once either of you expresses the desire to rebuild your closeness, you need to agree to do it and get started. It’s not something you should have to think about. Ideally, if your mate wants to be closer, you should be onboard without hesitation. If you are waffling, it is a signal that you need to take another look at your feelings and maybe get some additional input from someone you trust.

Keeping your relationship on the positive track is easy once you embrace that goal. Making the effort to be more present for your partner can become a natural part of how you relate to one another, and as you make this effort, your life will just naturally get nicer. It’s kind of amazing when you think about it. A little positive effort put toward someone you love can change a cloudy day to a bright one.

There is no need to make this a big issue. The key here is being willing to make some changes in how you focus your time. For example, when I am writing and my partner comes to me for some reason, I turn away from my work, give her my attention, and ask if I can have a moment to finish my thought. Then we can talk about whatever it is she needs.

Discuss with your partner your desire to be a closer couple, and talk about the things that may push you apart. Then resolve to change as much as you can, and enjoy moving closer together. It may take a little time, but it’s worth it.