I would do anything for my kids except ...

I would take a bullet for my children, that’s how much I love them.

I would jump in front of a train for my children, that’s how much I love them.

I would take a cyanide pill and jump off the Empire State Building into a rat-infested vat of rusty knives while Celine Dion’s music plays on an endless loop for my children, that’s how much I love them.

I won’t, however, put my phone down for them. Love only goes so far. “Daddy, she took my-,” my 3-year-old started on late Sunday afternoon, about to lodge a formal complaint against her older sister.

“I don’t care,” I said to her. “I don’t care. Don’t play with her if she’s being mean. I don’t care. In fact, I’ve had enough ‘Daddy’ for one day. I just don’t care.”

At this moment in time, I had already broken up 3,768 sister1-sister2, brother-sister1, sister1-brother, sister2-sister1, sister2-brother and brother-sister2 fights, battles, and/or arguments, it was only 5 p.m., and I was standing in the kitchen trying to put together my FanDuel NBA lineups for the 6. p.m slate. (Actually, before we go any further, we need to unpack this last sentence from a true parental perspective. It’s really the whole column here.)

“At this moment in time”: When you’re home with the kids doing a whole lot of nothing, every second of the clock is cosmic in scope. Civilizations across the universe rise and fall with each cry of “Daddy!”

“I had broken up 3,768 … fights, battles, and/or arguments”: While I am a big proponent of “no blood no foul,” I also can’t just have them screaming at each other all day. My mostused word in life right now is “ENOUGH!”

“It was only 5 p.m.”: Tick-tock, stars go supernova.

“Standing in the kitchen”: Parents don’t sit. Ever. I haven’t sat down in my house during child-awake hours since 2009 when I accidentally let a window salesman in my home and he had me sit down to discuss the value of double pane.

“Trying to put together my FanDuel lineup.” We all have our hobbies. This is mine. Leave me alone.

Which, coincidentally, was exactly what I was thinking: “Leave me alone.” I may be a dad, but I’m also a human and some boundaries now and again would be super nice. But again — totally take a bullet for them.

You know, I’m starting to hate that trope. Take a bullet, run over by a train, listen to Celine Dion — we’re talking one-in-abillion shots here. While it’s nice to say, what are the odds you’d ever have to cash it in?

You want to show true, 100 percent, never-fail love for your child? You want to make a statement that really means something? You want to put action in front of words?

Yeah. Me too. Which is why from now on I’m going to put my damn phone down when they come to me with a problem, no matter how silly or trivial. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, will be the first movie on April 15. Doors will open at 10 a.m. and the movie will start promptly at 10:30 a.m. Journey2 is the sequel to the immensely popular “Journey to the Center of the Earth.” The Kid’s Movie Club is being made possible by a grant from the Montgomery County Citizens Advisory Council. Seating is limited so reservations are recommended. The Centre Theater is located at 208 DeKalb St. in Norristown. There is free parking on the street and a parking garage less than a hundred yards away from the theater. Movies are free and you can bring your own snacks. Water and juice will be available for purchase. For more information and to reserve your seats please send an email to centretheater@gmail.com.

ROLL OVER AND READ!

Ha! Gotcha! Just kidding about that. That’s crazy talk. If I did that, if I took every complaint seriously, I’d need one of those “Peanuts”-inspired “The Doctor Is In” cardboard boxes, as the amount of complaints in my house rival that of Ed’s AllYou-Can-Eat Fish Gut Buffet. It’s non-stop. There has to be a better way. Maybe I’ll just lock myself in the bathroom and pretend I’m pooping when I need to make a FanDuel lineup. Stone, birds, etc.

Seriously: I would take a plunger to the head, that’s how much I love my children. Sat., April 15: From 11 a.m.1p.m. Elementary age kids can read to specially trained dogs. For kids in grades K-6. Children under 8 must be accompanied by an adult. Drop in. Att he Montgomery County-Norristown Public Library, 1001 Powell St., Norristown.

Week of April 16 A BLANKET AND A BOOK

Sat., April 18: A Blanket and a Book – noon to 2 p.m.Come and celebrate family at the Norristown library as we share fantastic books for children that feature African-American characters, authors, and illustrators. The first 50 families receive a free blanket! Presented by Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc., Phi Beta Omega Chapter in partnership with the Montgomery County-Norristown Public Library, 1001 Powell St., Norristown.

FUNDRAISING FLEA MARKET

Sat. , April 22: Greater Norristown Art League is hosting a Fundraising Flea Market from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Rent a table for $15. GNAL’s Flea Market will be held at the Norristown Cedar Club at 801 West Germantown Pike (an indoor venue). To reserve an 8-foot table, call 610-539-3393 or email contact@gnal.org.

MONTCO COMIC FEST

Sat. , April 22: From 10 a.m. – 3 p.m. Calling all comics fans! Activities for all ages, including children (all activities on the second floor). Create your own superhero costume, read to a superhero therapy dog, attend Hero School, and more att he Montgomery CountyNorristown Public Library, 1001 Powell St., Norristown. For more information and a schedule of events, please visit our website: www.mcnpl.org