One Woman’s Story of Domestic Abuse and Rebuilding a Life — in her own words
This is part of an ongoing series featuring the Bucks-Mont Collaborative and its members, serving Bucks County and a large swath of Montgomery County. For more information, visit www. bucksmontcollab.org. We are an association of 77 nonprofit organizations, along with other community-minded partners, that improves our communities and strengthens our nonprofit members. Its roots date to 1987. For questions about the Collaborative, contact Ella Roush, Coordinator, ella@ bucksmontcollab.org, 215234-4022.
When I first came in contact with Ryan, I was just getting myself back together from losing a former boyfriend to the flu January 2013. A few months later Ryan contacted me through Facebook, commenting about the new car I had recently purchased. We talked and went out a couple times; it was nice to get the attention after being so depressed. With no intentions, a relationship began to grow.
Things were great until I moved into his apartment. I had no idea there were previous victims or what I was about to get myself into. He became controlling with where I went, with whom I talked, what I did on my phone and even having family come to visit.
The night of ¾/14 one of my worst nightmares came to life — the man I thought loved me snatched my phone out of my hand, went through my messages and wanted my Facebook account unlocked to check my messages to make sure I was being a “good” girl to him. He accused me of cheating. While [I was] attempting to separate myself from the situation, he came up behind me, grabbing me by the throat, slamming the door shut, and dragging me into the bedroom. I was strangled while screaming, handfuls of hair ripped out and punched a few times. Attempting to fight back he would apply more pressure causing me to black out. He finally let go after I almost became lifeless. Working on catching my breath, I was able to escape to my car. Unable to go to my parents because I knew my dad and brother would have gone on the hunt, I drove to a friend’s house. They drove me to the police station where I made my statement and had my injuries photographed. I was accompanied back to the apartment by six police officers (they knew of him very well). He was not there, so I was allowed a change of clothes for the next day. They went out to look for him, and the following afternoon he was arrested.
My family and an advocate from The Women’s Center of Montgomery County were my greatest supporters in this whole mess, from his arraignment through numerous attempts to get a PFA, with him laughing at my testimony to the judge to his final sentencing and my statement to the parole board in Harrisburg while 8.5 months pregnant. It was a long and dragged out process, but I was determined to see everything through and show him how strong I was to sit face-to-face and put him where he belonged — behind bars. He was sentenced to 18 months to five years in state prison followed by three years on parole, along with drug and alcohol counseling and batterers’ treatment.
A little more than three years have passed since Ryan was arrested. He was released on parole at the end January. For the first 90 days he must wear an ankle monitor. Three weeks after his release he started dating someone. She contacted me on Facebook with a warning, “He stalks you on other Facebook accounts and knows about your son. He has mentioned to me numerous times about having your car blown up.” I immediately filed a report at my local police station, but there was nothing they can do since he didn’t make her tell me or do it himself. Since then I’ve made several changes to my car, including trying to sell it for something that blended in. I deactivated my original Facebook account and created a new one using a different name and picture, limiting the postings I put up of family and blocked everyone he is associated with.
I hope one day someone will make a change in our system because I find it extremely unfair that I still must live my life in fear but he can do or say whatever he wants and get away with it. Becoming a mother has made me a stronger person, and even though I still relive this nightmare from time to time, it will forever haunt me; he will never beat me down again. The Women’s Center of Montgomery County provides counseling, court accompaniment, training for law enforcement and healthcare providers, and community education with a goal of eliminating domestic violence. In 201516 we served 5,288 adult victims. For information contact the 24-hour hotline at 800-773-2424.