‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ may be series’ most bloated, nonsensical yet
It’s easy to slam the “Transformers” movies for being — to varying degrees — extremely bloated and largely incoherent cinematic messes.
New theory: To truly appreciate and follow them — and let’s be clear in that many folks love them and that these flicks rake in hundreds of millions of dollars around the globe — one has to be afflicted with some sort of attention-deficit issue. Because otherwise, due to their constant bombardment of explosions, shiny visuals and nonsensical plot developments, big-screen “Transformers” adventures are very easy to tune out.
Case in point is the new fifth-installment in the series, “Transformers: The Last Knight.” Even grading on a “Transformers” curve, this thing is hard to stay engaged with — and we’re talking pretty early in its two-and-a-half-hour run time. We’ll say 2009’s “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” still is the worst, but it’s close.
And hey, we’re not kidding ourselves. These movies are pretty critic-proof. You likely knew long before you got this far into this piece whether you had an appetite for a fourth sequel to the decade-old “Transformers,” this one, like all the others, directed in the almost-indescribable way only Michael Bay can.
You should look elsewhere for detailed breakdown of the plot of “The Last Knight, so much that it has one. The basics, though, are this (we think):
• We begin in England during the dark ages, where some believe Merlin (Stanley Tucci, making a second appearance in the series in a different role) to be an actual wizard. His powers, though, are derived from an arrangement with a Transformer who had crashed to earth.
• In present day, all Transformers, a mechanical alien race of shape-shifting robots, are hiding from the government. The same is true of the main human hero of the previous film, 2014’s”Transformers: Age of Extinction,” Texas inventor Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg). Cade is working with a collection of Autobots to help good Transformers in need.
• All factions are after both a talisman and a staff that trace to that Transformer from medieval times because, you know, those objects are really powerful. Or something. While the talisman finds a connection with Cade, the staff seemingly may be wielded only by Merlin’s last living descendent, a beautiful Oxford professor, Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock of the “Guardians of the Galaxy” films). The person who knows all of this is Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins), who belongs to a secret brotherhood and has been biding his time while he’s waited to make a difference in the battle for earth against the evil Decepticons.
• Lastly, as we know from Hopkins’ narration early on, “Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) has left us to find his maker. Some say he will never return.” Spoiler alert: The Autobot leader will, but only after he is seduced, in a way, on the Transformers homeworld, Cybertron, by a goddess, Quintessa (Gemma Chan), who wants to restore life to their world by destroying ours.
Truthfully, there’s a lot more to this tale — such as the mysterious “horns” growing out of the earth in several locations — but we can’t worry about that now. All you need to know is that, as always, Decepticon leader Megatron (Frank Welker) wants to possess all the power, and Optimus eventually, as always, will have to stop him.
Also returning to the mix are human franchise staples Colonel William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) and Agent Simmons (John Turturro) — now inexplicably in a position of power in Cuba — and robot regular Bumblebee (Erik Aadahl) and “Age of Extinction” Autobots Hound (an enjoyable John Goodman), a heavy-weapons specialist, and the more than-vaguely Asian warrior Drift (Ken Watanabe).
Among the other newcomers are talented comedian Jerrod Carmichael (NBC’s “The Carmichael Show”), as Jimmy, and Cleveland native Isabela Moner (Nickelodeon’s “100 Things to Do Before High School”), as Izabella, who are involved early in the proceedings with Cade as he tries to avoid capture by the government and the Decepticons.
These movies aren’t about the actors in any real way, but, for what it’s worth, Walberg and Haddock share a nice, sexually charged chemistry as their very-available characters try to save the world.
And the incredibly talented Hopkins, most recently of HBO’s “Westworld,” classes up the joint, but even that great actor is not capable of the amount of joint-classing needed here. (In one of the movie’s nicest touches, though, Hopkins’ character is paired with an English-butler Transformer voiced by Jim Carter, who was so memorable as butler Mr. Carson on “Downton Abbey.”)
While three writers are credited with the screenplay and a fourth person is given a story-by credit (the other three are, as well), this is, as were the others, Bay’s show.
While his sensibilities run so opposite those of many critics, you can’t deny the technical impressiveness of the “Transformers” movies, “The Last Knight” being no exception. And, without question, Bay gives a ticket buyer his or her money’s worth. Still, his style of almost stream-ofconscience action directing simply can wear you down. How anyone can be truly invested in the goings-on in “The Last Knight” much beyond the 90-minute mark is hard to fathom.
Bay says this is the final time he’ll sit in the director’s chair for a “Transformers” movie, and, if that’s so, it’s a very Bay way to go out.
Incoherent mess or morethan-meets-the-eye attention-deficit masterpiece? We know how we’re voting, but, again, it almost surely doesn’t matter.
‘Transformers: The Last Knight’
In theaters: June 21. Rated: PG-13 for violence and intense sequences of sci-fi action, language, and some innuendo.
Runtime: 2 hours, 28 minutes.
Stars (of four): 1.5.