The 21 most common phrases you’ll hear in my house

And now, the 21 Most Heard Phrases in the Edelstein Household In No Particular Order.

1) “How do I do this?” asked by me when tasked with an assignment I have zero desire to actually complete. It started with changing diapers, contin ues to this day with diorama construction.

2) “Put on your shoes,” said by my wife and/or me to our children every single time we are attempting to leave our prison/ home. It is almost always immediately followed with …

3) “I said put on your damn shoes!” said by me, loudly, after the sum total of zero children have begun putting on their shoes.

4) “Get in the car,” said by my wife and/or me after at least 33 percent of our children managed to affix their shoes to their feet.

5) “I said get in the damn car!” said by me, loudly, after the sum total of zero children have even mentally considered the action of getting in the car.

6) “Hey there big fella,” by my 6-year-old daughter to me, as this is the moniker she has affixed to me, and I could not be more pleased.

7) “Any mail?” me to my wife every day to which she always says …

8) “Just junk,” to which I then eventually say, usually weeks later when I find a credit card bill at the bottom of some random pile …

9) “Lemme just handle the damn mail, OK?”

10) “Get down!” me to my 8-year-old son when he is standing on the back of the couch.

11) “Leave your sisters alone!” me to my 8-year-old son when he is accosting his sisters, usually after he gets down off the couch.

12) “Blaaaargh Aaaargh Roarrrrr!” or something to that effect, by my 8-year-old son constantly, all the time, non-stop, and especially after he gets down off the couch and stops accosting his sisters and is thus left with nothing to do except roam about the house screaming. This is then followed by …

13) “Dammit, shut up already!” by me, or my wife, or my daughters, or I could’ve sworn even the dog once, neighbors on both sides, the mailman, the UPS guy, and whoever I’m on the phone with.

14) “Do you not see I’m on the phone?” me to any of my children, specifically my 3-year-old, as she equates the phone to my ear as open season on conversation of all stripes.

15) “What’s for dinner?” me and my kids to my wife, who we oftentimes confuse with Mel, the owner and cook of Mel’s Diner on the 70s sitcom “Alice.”

16) “Did you feed the dog?” me or my wife to each other because he’s looking at us like we didn’t, though I’m pretty sure I

did, but you know what? I’m not sure.

17) “I gotta use the bathroom,” me to my wife whenever the kids are whining or screaming or whatevering, whether or not I actually need to use the bathroom, which I usually don’t, but I just need the five minutes to lock the door and put the fan on and sit in peace.

18) “You’re a pain in the ass,” my wife to me, usually as a salutation.

19) “Where’s the remote?” everyone to everybody all the time, because none of us are capable of putting it on top of the fireplace mantle which seems like a natural place for it, but what do I know.

20) “I’m sorry,” everyone to everybody all the time.

21) “I love you,” everyone to everybody all the time, but especially after the remote is located.