Couple’s problems driving wife nuts
IKAR RKAIKRS >> Every year during this time I step away from my column to work on other creative projects. I hope you enjoy these “Best
Of” Q&A from 10 years ago. Today’s topic is “Homeworking.”
I also invite readers to subscribe to my weekly “Asking Amy” newsletter, at amydickinson.substack.com, where I post advice, as well as commentary about what I’m reading, watching, and listening to.
I’ll be back with fresh Q&A next week.
IKAR AMY >> My husband desperately wants to be a famous published author.
I edited his book numerous times before it got “published” online, and now he is writing stories on the Web that he hopes to compile into a novel.
He expects me to edit all of these stories.
Being his editor before was awful. Although he fixed what I suggested and I helped him make the writing tighter, he didn’t learn from it and the same mistakes occurred over and over again.
He can’t seem to edit or analyze his own writing.
I pulled back from editing because of my demanding full-time job.
I am still expected to read everything he writes, and I struggle.
First, I am confronted by all those mistakes. Second, I am confronted by his needy questions: “Did you like this?” “Did you like that?” “What did you think about that event?” “Was it good?”
He has participated in writing groups but left them. He took a writing class, but he had conflicts with the instructor — an award-winning author.
He yearns for my approval. He craves my adoring accolades. And he is driving me nuts. — Exhausted Wife
IKAR KXHAUSTKI >> Some spouses can write and edit together, but for many couples who are not Virginia and Leonard Woolf, these two roles don’t always mix well.
Family members often do NOT make good first readers.
It is important for spouses to know that their partners are on their side. But it is also important for your husband to realize that demanding your praise makes you hostile toward his creative projects.
You can say, “I am your biggest fan. But I don’t love every single thing you write. I can’t edit you because it leads to conflict. Also, I just don’t want to.”
Your husband should hire an editor/assistant to help him. Ideally, paying someone would compel him to take edits and suggestions.
Unfortunately, he wants to cut corners without improving his work; he also wants the fame along with the accolades from you.
In short, he sounds like every needy, unpublished and eager writer I know.
Your adoring accolades will mean nothing if you are not also honest. Without honesty, the empty praise will bring on more insecurity.
If he can’t handle your honesty, you should decline these bids for praise.
(September 2011)