What’s OK to ask — at home, work and beyond

Etiquette experts are offering guidance on how to navigate uncomfortable questions

If you get an invitation to a dinner party, is it OK to ask whether the other guests have been vaccinated? If you’re told to return to the office, is it appropriate to ask your cubicle mate whether they’ve gotten a shot? Should you feel obligated to answer such questions if you’re on the receiving end?

When the coronavirus hit California, the message was pretty clear: don’t gather. Now, with more people receiving a vaccine and case numbers falling, many families, friends and coworkers are getting together for the first time in a year, raising some thorny questions that leave us trying to strike a balance between ensuring our personal safety and preserving relationships in this new normal.

“It’s everywhere. Even in my own personal life, these questions have popped up,” said Syndi Seid, owner of Bay Area-based Advanced Etiquette, who has advised companies, colleges and individuals on how to navigate everything from corporate events to weddings.

It is acceptable to inquire about someone’s vaccination status with genuine interest in a respectful way, Seid said, particularly when your own health is at stake. You might try sharing that you struggled to find an appointment and inquire whether they’ve been able to find an open slot, for instance, rather than bluntly demanding to know whether they’ve gotten a shot.

Regardless, she says, be mindful of how you respond to what they say.

Consider the cubicle mate. Suppose she’s decided not to get the vaccine. Seid suggests employing something called the sandwich technique to respond — putting the meat of your response between two positive or agreeable points. You might say to your colleague: I can respect your opinion, however, I do believe in the vaccine. For the rest of the year, I don’t want to be in the company of anyone who has not been vaccinated. Please don’t take it personally, but I’ll request to be put in another cubicle for the duration of this pandemic. I’d love to come back because I’ve really enjoyed working with you.

That technique may also be helpful if you don’t want to answer a question about your own vaccination status, Seid said, with a response such as, “I know that’s a normal question a lot of people are asking, however, it’s not something I personally feel very comfortable answering. I hope you understand.”

That may work in some social settings, but there are situations where a more straightforward response is warranted, even mandated, said Charles Binkley, director of bioethics at the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics at Santa Clara University. He recently co-authored a magazine piece arguing that churches should require congregants to be inoculated, writing that “churches have an ethical obligation to protect the health of clergy, staff and worshipers. … It is morally irresponsible for churches to invite people to worship and receive the sacraments without taking all effective steps to minimize the risk.”

Binkley thinks the same rule could apply to the airline industry, noting that “there’s no ethical obligation to fly someone,” should they decline the vaccine. And companies will be able to require employees to get the vaccine. But, he thinks, companies mandating vaccination should use termination as a last resort for employees who refuse to get a shot.