DNA might prove a relief for daughter

DEAR AMY >> After 36 years, I found out via a DNA test that the father of my daughter was the product of a one-night stand, and that she is not the daughter of the man I married.

All those years ago, when I found out I was pregnant I married the man I was dating and in love with. I've had no contact with the onenight stand man since the morning after.

Do I tell my daughter? I'm mostly concerned about this because she knows that the man I married (her non-DNA dad, who I later divorced) is an alcoholic. His mother and two aunts each died of genetic cancers.

If she learns about her DNA, my daughter will no longer believe she carries those potentially lifeending traits, but I still wonder if she should be told.

I certainly don't want to tell my ex-husband — and won't.

— Mama's Baby, Daddy's

maybe

DEAR MAMA >> Yes, you should tell your daughter.

If you can't justify telling her the truth about her genetic history simply because it is the truth (and medically important to her), consider this: She's going to find out, anyway.

The ubiquity of DNA testing is quickly blowing the lid off of family secrets, and the speed of this huge and sweeping change also gives you an out.

You don't actually have to spend years sitting on this knowledge and wrestling with this dilemma.

Because she's going to find out, anyway. So tell her now.

People should know the truth about their DNA heritage, if at all possible. Sometimes the truth carries tremendous surprises or huge challenges. Oftentimes it answers deepseated questions people have held but never expressed — about hair or eye color, posture, preferences and personality.

Your daughter might be truly shocked by this revelation.

She might blame or judge you for your longago one-night-stand. Given the genetic history you cite, she might also feel a sense of relief.

Regardless of how she greets this news, you are ethically bound to deliver it.

DEAR AMY >> May I suggest what we do with unsolicited cards? We donate them to a local women's prison. The ladies are unable to purchase birthday and other cards for their loved ones but still like to remember their folks on special days.

Perhaps other towns have similar programs. Hope this helps!

— Alison

DEAR ALISON >> I love this idea!

Many prisons have extreme restrictions about material that can be donated. Obviously men as well as women would benefit from receiving blank cards (and stamps).