The Reporter (Vacaville)

Grandmothe­r's problems should prevent visits

- — Unsure in Decatur

DEAR AMY >> I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Our daughter recently turned three. He also has a daughter from another relationsh­ip. She is 15.

My boyfriend is white. I am Black.

His older daughter's mother is biracial.

My boyfriend's mother, “Shelly,” has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse.

She also has a habit of calling us when she is in an altered state and crying about other issues in her life.

Recently, we had a birthday party for our daughter. Shelly attended.

My parents take care of our daughter during the day. She sees a speech therapist, occupation­al therapist, and a behavioral therapist during the week.

Our daughter puts her fingers in her ears when noises are too loud and overwhelmi­ng for her. She did this several times throughout her party.

Afterward, Shelly called my boyfriend (while high) and said that her feelings were hurt because our daughter put her fingers in her ears when she was trying to talk to her. She said that our daughter is unsocializ­ed/uncivilize­d because she is Black.

For me, this was the last straw. Since our daughter's birth, her grandmothe­r has excluded her, neglected to treat her as well as her other grandchild­ren, and has overall been a troublesom­e, toxic presence.

He doesn't want to cut ties with his mother, and I would never ask him to. He is conflicted about this.

I have no intention of being around his mother or of letting our daughter visit.

Do you think I am unreasonab­le?

DEAR UNSURE >> First this. Your daughter has another parent — her father. You two should talk this through and try your hardest to come to an agreement on a response to his mother's conduct.

I do agree that for the time being, you should not have your young daughter spend time with her grandmothe­r — certainly unsupervis­ed.

First off, even when she is sober, this grandmothe­r obviously does not understand or have the capacity to cope with your daughter's sensory processing issues. Your daughter's response to noise and chaos is her way of trying to cope when her brain is overloaded with too many different cues coming from different directions.

Second, “Shelley” is rarely sober. The way you describe her behavior, she could inspire any thinking person to stick their fingers in their ears.

Third: Your partner's mother is a racist, and your daughter is a person of color. As you no doubt know from your own life, you cannot protect your daughter from encounteri­ng racism or prejudice. But protecting her now — when she is young and vulnerable — is a start.

 ?? ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United States