When inanimate objects just say no

Given my love of words, I am sad to report there are frauds among us.

The most pressing problem are the words “press here” found on most pill bottles. They are followed by the words “to open.” Not happening. Believe me, I have pressed, pushed, prodded and been driven to profanity to get these little guys to open.

Fortunately, I have delightful neighbors, so when I appear at their door with a pill bottle in hand, I don’t even have to say anything. The look on my face tells them that whatever is in that bottle is likely something I need ASAP.

While I’m on the “p” words, let’s talk about “pull here,” followed by an arrow that always seems to me to be going in the opposite direction of the padded envelope. I have pulled, pounded, even cried as Lark kitty begged for her trapped tasty tuna.

If Amazon wants me to be able to open packages easily, they should include a pair of scissors so I won’t have to keep going to the kitchen to retrieve mine. I promise you it’s the only way to open it. Think small stabs until you get an opening big enough to scissor.

“Cut” is another nasty little untruthteller.

All I can say is, stay out of my way when I am using my late husband’s box cutters. Everyone within a half-mile radius is in danger. Except the box. There is a saving grace to these truthless words. They have taught me to — please forgive this expression — “think outside the box.”

Moving from packaging to technology, the word “tap,” usually followed by “on the app,” is another offender. How many taps is that supposed to be? It doesn’t seem to matter. The only result is a sore fingertip.

And finally, we come to my all-time favorite: “Twist here” to open, popularly used for bottles of every ilk, and jars of multiple persuasions. This little annoyance has been a wrist twister for me since childhood.

I have always had difficulty when it comes to opening things. As I was at age 7, trying to pop the top off an airsealed jar of applesauce, so I am still. Now I just have a larger vocabulary to express my upset about being deceived by words I thought were my friends.