Everything’s changing, but what’s the big deal?
DEAR ANNIE » After 24 years of marriage, my husband wants to split up. I have had health issues for a few years, and now he says he is tired of dealing with them. We have been living with his parents and our three kids for about a year and a half. I have been given a deadline to move out — alone. Everyone else is welcome to stay.
I have been trying to find a place I can afford while staying near my elderly father. Moving in with him is not an option. I may have found a room in a house and am going to check it out tomorrow.
Suddenly, reality is hitting me. I won’t see my kids every day. I won’t have my cats, who are 9 and 13, because I can’t find a place that allows pets. I have been crying all day. I’m trying to keep busy packing, but every time I see my cats, it starts up again.
I have a psychiatrist, as well as a counselor. I don’t have time to see them before I have to leave but plan to make appointments soon after I move.
No one in my family is acting as if this major life change is a big deal. I’m just looking for some validation.
— Crushed in California DEAR CRUSHED » You have 100 percent of my validation and then some. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I would encourage you to keep looking for a place that allows pets. They can be so therapeutic.
It’s especially important to take care of yourself during a major life trauma such as this, so I’m glad to hear you have a plan in place to see your doctor and therapist. It sounds as if you are taking all the right steps to build a healthier, happier life. Just give it time. DEAR ANNIE » I now have had two occurrences in two years in which my husband and I were invited to a family event at the very last minute.
We were invited to a wedding three days in advance and a significant birthday party 1 ½ days in advance. These invitations were from two women in my extended family, both of whom are in their late 20s. And in both instances, the women used email to ask whether we’d be attending.
My husband and I didn’t go to the wedding or the birthday party. I am upset but don’t know whether I am being selfish for resenting that I would have had to run out and get a card and gift for an event we were invited to at the last minute. I feel like leftover lunch from two days ago. We are in our 50s. Is this the new way of doing things? Should we be more flexible and get with the program? — Upset by These Little
Things DEAR UPSET » Though your adaptability is admirable, you don’t need to get with the program if it means leaving behind all expectations of common courtesy.
It is becoming more commonplace for budgetconscious couples to have “standby” guest lists. It’s not ideal, etiquettewise, but the tactic isn’t so offensive if done so discreetly that people don’t even realize they were on the B-list. But inviting someone to your wedding three days before it happens? That’s a faux pas in the first degree.
If you feel comfortable, perhaps ask each woman individually — without a smidgen of accusation in your tone — whether there was a reason the invitation came so late. Each one may have a perfectly reasonable answer; you never know. But it’s probable that neither will, and your question will at least prompt both of them to think of being more courteous next time. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.