Talking to the problem yet again?

In speaking with many parents, I often find various messages being repeated over and over again. These messages range from the very short, frustrated responses to the more professorial, lecture type “teachings.” Here are a few samples from the last couple weeks:

• Look, how many times do I have to tell you to brush your teeth!

• Why do you have to do this every day? You know you have homework to do.

• Stop whining like that. Whenever you want something, you sound like a 3 year old.

• Every day you waste more time complaining about it rather than just doing it.

• Turn that off. You know it’s past your bedtime again.

• Why do you argue about this every day? It’s just a waste of time.

• Sit up in your seat please… while you are at the table.

• If you keep doing poor quality work, you’ll never get into a good college.

• Your actions have consequences. Why don’t you get that?

• You don’t show respect to me. Don’t expect respect from me.

• If you want more freedom and responsibility, you have to demonstrate responsibility.

How many times do you find yourself repeating the same thing? Not just the reprimands, or prodding and reminding… but the little mini lessons, the repeated suggestions and the grand lectures. This is a critically important question to ponder, if you want life at home to be less pressured and more easeful. Why? Because:

Talking to the problem repeatedly only makes the problem worse. No exceptions.

Really, you ask? Yes! And the proof is quite simple.

If talking to the problem fixed it or made it better, you would not be repeating it… over and over. And yet, that’s what we end up doing. Repeating the same messages over and over. Day after day, week after week and eventually, it’s year after exhausting year. It’s almost insane how blindly we do this.

It isn’t working, and it’s not going to work to make things better. In fact, these repeated messages only serve to create frustration, induce arguments and ultimately feed into the very negative patterns you are trying to change. This works that way because your energy keeps flowing toward the problem, regardless of what you say, regardless of how you say it and regardless of how much emotion you put behind it.

Please keep this lesson simple. It’s not complex to master, and it can change the quality of life at home. You can think of it this way in your head: “If I’m talking to the problem… I am the real problem. I am making things worse… not better.”

Remember: this is true because we have proof. You have been talking to these problem moments for quite some time, and things are just getting worse. Not better. See yourself as the problem here, as you keep feeding these ‘problem moments’ with more of your words, more attention and more energy. If not talking to a problem, what to do to fix the problem Dr Cale?

Great question! Here’s the secret insight that answers that question. You are talking to problems that require action, not words. Words do little to compel action on an ongoing basis. Words tend to evoke more words, not more or better action. And most of you see how true this is. More words to your kids, usually mean just more words back. Not more action. So, to turn the corner on this, we must start with first things first. Don’t try to fix these problems with words, as that will not work. Don’t talk to the problem, if you want to change it. Instead, figure out what action plan is required. What actions can you take? What leverage do you have to compel action? You have much more leverage than most of you realize. But even if you are unsure of what actions you can take, I suggest that the first and most important action be one of no-thing. Stop talking. Be quiet. Be silent in the face of the problem. Stop talking to the problem today, and let’s see what happens in a few weeks. During that time, keep reading and studying what your options are for using leverage and consequences in your home. Many of you will be surprised at how the problem moments seem to be shrinking without doing anything other than no talking to the problem. Please be open to the possibility that less talking (to the problem) can actually help the problem disappear.