Thoughtless routines

With summer upon us, it’s a great time to take stock of how we organize our lives at home. Often vacations and extended breaks become more stressful than need be, but with a few decisions and a bit of discipline that could change.

You can achieve this by creating a world where activities, chores and responsibilities are completed without the need for constant decision-making, nagging or prodding and continued monitoring.

However, let’s first talk about how not to do it, which is the stressful approach that creates a constant struggle. This approach generally entails worry, nagging, prodding, negotiating, pushing and sometimes even a bit of yelling, screaming and threatening of consequences. Many choose this path, without realizing there is another way.

Using the “stressful” approach means that we usually fail to establish automatic routines. We make day-to-day routines flexible, we make decisions based upon moment-to-moment fluctuations and we use lots of words to try to manage behavior. And, most importantly, we are reacting constantly to what our kids want, bouncing around various requests simultaneously while trying to figure out what is best.

Life then becomes a constant struggle and full of stress. Guaranteed.

Why Rethink the Stressfilled Daily Tendencies?

1. Children and teens thrive with structure. In an environment where there’s predictability, they thrive behaviorally, academically and emotionally.

2. Children thrive on predictability. There is comfort and security in knowing when things will happen. When children are involved in chaotic and out-of-control family systems they often rebel at the initial signs of structure and routine, then quickly adjust and their behavior calms. With this adjustment also comes an emotional calming. Children will often report a sense that life is easier after experiencing a consistent structure and routine.

3. Consistent routines remove decisionmaking. This is the true source of the magic. Daily decision-making on all routine stuff is removed, thus there is no wasted energy. The energy is reserved for what’s important. How many of us have to make a decision to brush our teeth in the morning? Very few, I hope! And it presents no emotional stress or challenge since it’s not really a chore. There are many examples of this, such as buckling seat belts or putting dishes in the dishwasher when done. These are ‘thoughtless’ and automatic, producing zero stress.

In the initial stages of an exercise program, the daily commitment often involves a decision and, at times, a struggle to make the decision. However, if you have exercised regularly for years there is no choice; it’s a given that you will exercise. It gets easier when there is no decision to be made.

In essence, these events have been “pre-decided.” A level of automaticity then evolves that eliminates the stress of deciding. The result: reduced anxiety, reduced stress and greater harmony.

Automatic routines are “Thought-LESS” routines

By “Thought-LESS” routines, I am referring to a way of parenting that does not involve incessant thinking and worrying about what kids need to do next.

By “Thought-LESS” routines, I mean that both children and parents fall into a structure and routine that allows for the basic responsibilities to be addressed without a lot of struggle. Instead, these occur effortlessly.

By “Thought-LESS” routines, I mean that you nurture “habits” that eliminate the need to constantly figure out what’s next because they’ve been pre-determined.

What happens when you establish a home with “Thought-LESS” routines? Time is not spent reminding, nagging and negotiating about what’s next. Instead, ample time is available to discuss things that are of real importance to the family. Little time is put into getting homework done; instead discussion occurs about what is being learned. Little time is spent getting the children to the table to eat; instead meaningful discussion occurs about life events. Little time is spent arguing over bedtime routines; instead there is greater opportunity for simply spending quality time with children.

Do you have a sense how important this can be?

When routines become consistent and predictable, there is relatively little discussion and dialogue that goes into the completion of these fundamental responsibilities that we all must complete. Most of the daily chores in life become “automated”; thus little thought and energy is devoted to these daily tasks.

If children learn to do this, their minds are freed from the struggle about what to do next and they can devote energy to what’s important. They don’t end up wasting their life doing battle with the fact that they have to do homework, even though they may not like to do it. They simply get it done. And then they move on.

The essence: More calm, more smiles, more focus on what is valued in life.

This is a formula for success. This is a formula for making life easy. This is a formula for staying healthy, emotionally strong and focused on what’s important. Make this the way you do things at home and watch how much easier day-to-day life becomes. Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www. Terrific Parenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.