How to help your children fail miserably
We live in a changing world, and I am frequently asked about why so many capable adolescents choose the path of mediocrity. In the eyes of many hopeful and loving parents, this is utter failure! After years of doing everything possible to ensure success, parents are stuck feeling helpless as their young adult moves into life with poor habits. Let’s look at how we unknowingly build the habits of failure.
Regardless of whether we think of it this way or not, we are all working a system. Too often, we do not recognize this. Our habits reflect these systems, good or bad. To get better habits or a better attitude from our kids, we need to examine these systems and notices which one inevitably generate poor habits.
1. Working Harder at Your Kids Success & Happines Than They Do.
Probably the number one cause of mediocrity and life failure, in my view. Why? Because this begins very early in life, and often leads to multiple false lessons about the way reality works.
How does this work? Simple: who is thinking more about their getting along in school? Who is putting the most effort into their schoolwork, their homework? Who worked harder at that spelling test? Who is making all those phone calls to resolve a conflict with peers? Who is really planning those college visits? Who keeps nagging them about their attitude?
When parents teach children that they will work harder than their kids (for their kid’s success), then children grow up believing that this is the way their world works. They believe someone else should ‘fix’ all their struggles and problems. And when someone can’t or doesn’t save them or fix it, they quit, give up or whine their way to misery.
Life is stressful, and this system will not equip children to become adults capable of handling stress. In fact, they will shrink away from life.
2. Encouraging Anxiety, Reducing Choices, Over Growth Producing Choices.
Whether it’s uncertainty, harshness, struggle or loss, we know that life will bring moments of anxiety and stress. The overwhelming tendency is to think of our children as fragile and needing immediate rescue from their earliest moments of misery. Rather than allowing tantrums to run their course (i.e., growth producing moment), we jump in and resolve the upset to remove any anxiety or pain. This pattern continues with systems that encourage and allow kids to avoid anything that makes them uncomfortable.
Children learn that the magic word ‘uncomfortable’ is like a pass. They can get out of anything that makes them uncomfortable. Of course, over time many find other options, choosing alcohol, prescription anxiolytics, or smoking pot to get that immediate relief from discomfort (just like their adult counterparts). However, that path inevitably has potent limits and pain attached to it
Let’s get real. Life is filled with discomfort. Thus, avoidance is futile.
The more we choose a path to avoid that discomfort…the more destiny will put that ‘thing or situation’ on our path again and again so we can face our discomfort.
But if we teach our kids to seek comfort over growth early in life, their future will be filled with making choices that limit growth and learning. These choices to seek comfort teaches the unconscious belief that ‘I can’t handle this moment’ and thus we run from those moments. Growth and strength evolve through handling the tough moments, and realizing ‘I can handle my life.’
3. Autonomy and Power Without Associated Responsibility
To be responsible means to be ‘the primary cause of something, and thus be credited or blamed for it.’ It also means to be trusted to do what’s right with that power and autonomy, and this comes from earning such trust through responsible action.
Giving kids autonomy and power without having them be responsible provides another false lesson in life. When we do this, failure is almost inevitable because the child or adolescent has no ‘skin in the game.’ They have no real investment when that power or autonomy leads to destruction of reputation, relationship or material stuff. And inevitably, it will.
Giving children unrestricted access to the Internet is one of the more frequent ways that this occurs. The Internet offers remarkable autonomy and power in exploring all the good and bad the world offers, and choices can appear to come without consequences… and yet they do. Allowing children to choose their foods, despite the health consequences is another way we give power to a brain unprepared to take responsibility. But again, this comes with consequences. Spending thousands to buy a child a car, who has never worked a day in their lives offers remarkable power and autonomy, and if not careful, this can happen without proven responsibility.
While more can be added, these are the fundamental systems that undermine success. In next week’s article, we will turn to the positive, and review systems that support growth, success and thriving.
Until then, consider carefully your parenting (or personal) systems, and notice where small shifts could reap substantial changes over time.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com.