Can we learn from the flea brain?

In my parent coaching work, I often emphasize that making changes with child behavior is usually simple, if parents can change their approach ... consistently. Yes, consistency is the key. So, what can the flea brain teach us here?

If you place fleas in a jar, without a lid on the jar ... they will quickly jump out. However, put a lid on the jar, and you hear lots of little fleas bumping into the lid of the jar ... a whole bunch of tiny ding ... ding ... ding. However, leave them there a while, and there is soon silence. The fleas are active, jumping away ... but never hitting the lid of the jar. Those tiny flea brains fleas quickly become conditioned to jump no higher than the lid. Why? Because the lid of the jar is consistent. It never moves, and is relentless in its feedback. Even with the tiny flea brain, the repeated pounding on the lid drives the point home: Don’t jump that high. Fleas get it.

Here’s where it gets really interesting: given some time, you can take the lid of the jar off, and the fleas continue to jump ‘as if’ the lid was still there. The learned consequence stays with the flea brain, and they honor the limit set by the lid.

What can fleas teach us about parenting?

Lesson 1: Consistency is Fundamental to Learning Behavioral Limits.

The small flea brain may not learn quickly, but it still learns ... when bumping up against a clear limit (i.e., the lid). But for a moment, imagine the opposite: the lid is constantly moving. First an inch lower, then higher. Completely inconsistent, moving about randomly.

How would the flea learn how much effort to exert, to avoid a flea brain migraine? We all quickly realize that the flea would not really know where the limit is at? At one moment, the limit is here. A second or two later, it’s a bit higher. Then, a bit lower. This confuses the flea brain, and the relentless bumping continues.

Now, this lesson is true for every brain of every size and capability. Thus, this lesson applies to your children (as well as to you). While their brains learn much more quickly, behavioral limits require consistency IF we want our children to honor them. In fact, consistent limits make it easy to for children to learn how far they can go. When this happens, your life becomes much easier and more enjoyable.

This is critical because we want to set up our parenting plan so that limits are honored without much drama or repeated battles. Consistency is the glue that makes behavioral limits stick. If we have no consistency, we see that limits become relatively meaningless and are often ignored. In addition, it is confusing for children, and thus also increase underlying tension and anxiety.

Lesson 2: Consistency in Limits Has Long Legs Attached

Like the flea that honors the limit even after the lid is removed, consistency in limit setting tends to have a prolonged effect. Our goal is to have our children honor these healthy limits, even when we aren’t watching. That’s when we have real success.

If our children grow up with only healthy food, we see that this natural limit tends to last a lifetime. If children experience consistent limits on TV, video and “electronics” we see more balance, and lower risk of video addictions.

Remember: parental limits (consistently maintained) often set healthy habits that persist a lifetime.

Lesson 3: Choose Simplicity, as This Helps with Consistency.

Research suggests we are all a bit like the flea. We learn best from consistent limits.

Inconsistency wreaks havoc. There is confusion, frustration and continual drama around the (inconsistent) limits. And, no long term (healthy) patterns are put in place.

Thus inconsistency is double trouble. There is the drama and arguments, combined with little learning. And the internal angst that evolves by not knowing where the limit is at.

Thus, I suggest choosing limits that you can stick to consistently. Rather than stretching for some ideal, perfect limit, choose a limit that you know you can maintain. Focus on simplicity, as this will help with limits. This will create a more enjoyable home, and the limits you put in place will be honored.