Free money, please

One of the most common questions people ask me is, “Where do you get ideas for your columns?” To which I say, “From everywhere.” Sometimes I will want to talk about current events, often I write about the random silliness that happens in my life and once in a while an idea pops up in the inbox of my email. Such is the case for today’s column.

I should probably tell you at this point that I’m going to be filthy rich pretty soon. No I didn’t win the lottery; the money is coming from the other side of the world from a person I’ve never met. This stranger sent me an email telling me he is stuck with $130 million dollars and he’d like to give some of it to me. How nice.

I’ve gotten these emails about once a week for the past ten years and I’ve always ignored them. I was raised to think if something sounds too good to be true it usually is so I normally just delete them. Not this time.

For starters the guy sending it actually gave me his name, always a sign of trustworthy fellow. Second his English is impeccable, not the broken language I usually find in these letters from halfway around the globe. His name is Sammy Martinez and he told he’s stuck with all this cash and is looking for partners to invest with in America.I told him, “I’m your guy.”

He gave me a private email address and I proceeded to share with him my totally unique and awesome investment idea. I told him in my life I have encountered many animals I found funny; dogs, cats, monkeys at the zoo. But here’s the problem; what is a funny animal to do with that natural skill set? The answer is nothing because there is nothing for a funny llama to do in his spare time.

My fantastic investment idea is to open a kind of pet college that teaches animals how to do stand-up comedy. Don’t roll your eyes. HVCC has on occasion offered a class in how to be a clown, from make-up to funny noses, so this is not so far-fetched.

I told Sammy Martinez that I’d like a few million to start the school and teach these animals the ins and outs of comedy and how to win over a crowd. I told him they’ll need a place to practice their new craft once they get their degree so we could simultaneously open a comedy club exclusively for animals called “The Funny Bone.” See how that works on two levels… dogs, bones etc.

I carefully crafted my business plan and sent an email back to old Sammy to see if he’d bite. Boy I’m just full of dog reference today aren’t I?

If he does respond I’m assuming he’ll need all my bank information to start sending me boatloads of money. I’ll play coy and tell him I’d prefer cash instead and see what he says.

I know what you’re thinking, “John must have too much time on his hands.” The answer is no I don’t. I’m busier than a one legged ostrich in a butt kicking contest but I can’t pass up on free money. Plus I want to see how gullible these con artists think I am. I’m hoping they don’t know sarcasm when they see it and will look at each other and say, “Doggie standup, sounds doable”, and reach back out hoping to set the hook on this big fish.

I’m sure it’s a numbers game for these characters, send out a million of these emails and hope just one person takes the bait. I’m happy to be the sucker in this slippery scheme. My plan is not to give them my bank account information of course but see if I can get them to call me at work and tell them I’m Jerry Seinfeld’s cousin and we’d prefer to take any money they send in two dollar bills only. If I can record them over the phone this will make a nice “two fer” as I see it. I get a couple of good columns out of this and an entertaining story for the six o’clock news.

All kidding aside, what’s sad is they prey on the elderly with this crap and take advantage of people who might not be as sharp as they used to be. And if you call the cops or the attorney general they’ll tell you there’s not much they can do since these culprits are often on the other side of the planet in a dark room somewhere.

Hey if my silliness distracts them for a day and keeps them from bugging someone else I suppose that’s worth it. Unless of course Sammy Martinez really does have $130 million and plans to give it to me. If that happens count on that comedy course coming to a college near you next fall and me opening a doggie comedy club. We could even have ladies night. Every dog that shows up before 7 p.m. without fleas gets a free milkbone dog treat. Maybe I do have to much time on my hands.