Full emotional bank account important
In my experience, the underlying cause of most chronic conflict in intimate relationships is that one or both parties aren’t feeling sufficiently loved, respected, appreciated, or understood. In his groundbreaking book, “The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People”, Stephen Covey refers to the metaphor of the “emotional bank account” to describe the amount of trust that has been built up in a relationship. As is the case with a financial bank account, it is truly more blessed to make deposits rather than withdrawals. However, the unique thing about emotional bank accounts is that the balance in them is not increased by the amount of love that our significant other feels toward us, but rather by how much trust they feel in the other person.
Trust, therefore, is the unit of currency with respect to emotional bank accounts. We need to trust someone before it feels safe to love them. So if we want to create more loving relationships, we must learn to become more trustworthy. Our most significant relationships require the most consistent deposits, and therefore demand the greatest trust in order to flourish. Ongoing intimate relationships inherently come with continuing expectations, and this tends to cause old deposits to evaporate. Our relationships with the people we are closest to thus require the most consistent investments in order to continue to thrive.
Covey describes six major ways of making deposits into emotional bank accounts. They are as follows:
1. Understand the Individual.
I can’t tell you how many times one or both members of a couple complain that “he (she) just doesn’t understand me!” The best way to truly understand someone is by developing a greater capacity to truly listen to what they are saying. To completely and totally listen to someone is one of the most loving things we can do for them. Someone once said that we have two ears and one mouth because we should listen twice as much as we speak. In my experience, the direct opposite of this occurs in many relationships. Strive to be a better listener!
2. Pay Attention to the Little Things.
Someone once said that little things mean a lot. This goes double when it comes to our most intimate relationships. Small acts of kindness and consideration go a long way to build up the balance in your partner’s emotional bank account. Learn to pay attention to the so-called “little things”’ for failure to do so inevitably adds up to big trouble.
3. Keep your Commitments.
There are varying degrees of commitment in any relationship from fidelity to keeping your promise to take the garbage out when you promise to. Someone once said, “If you can trust someone in smaller things, you can trust them in larger things.” Strive to be a person who keeps their promises, both large and small, because failure to do so will result in a major withdrawal from your partner’s emotional bank account. 4. Clarify Expectations. In intimate relationships we must learn to “say what we mean and mean what we say.” This involves not only taking responsibility for our intentions, but also the perceptions created by these intentions in our partner. There is often a great disparity be-
tween perception and intention in couples, and this is a frequent cause of conflict. Good communication and clear expectations build trust, unclear expectations and poor communication undermine it.
5. Showing Personal Integrity.
Having integrity is critical to have healthy and happy intimate relationships. It is about putting our “money where our mouth is” and truly living out what we say we believe in. Integrity is about wholeness, and truth promotes wholeness, while perception decimates it. Strive to be a person of truth and high integrity.
6. Apologize Sincerely when you make a Withdrawal.
Contrary to what is said in “Love Story”, the love is always rather than never having to say you are sorry. When you make a mistake or hurt someone, immediately and sincerely apologize. This is often difficult for people to do, but it is essential in order to maintain trust in a relationship. Failure to do so only adds “insult to injury” and communicates a lack of caring and compassion to your partner.
Remember, raising the level of your emotional bank account with your partner is a process. There is no quick fix. When it comes to emotional bank accounts we truly “reap what we sow.” Make the commitment to devote the time and energy to build up your balance in your partner’s emotional bank account. You will both be glad that you did! Dr. Raymond Angelini of New Horizons Coaching has been in private practice for 30 years in Saratoga Springs. He specializes in assisting individuals in finding and sustaining careers that are more rewarding, lifeenhancing and in keeping with one’s personal and spiritual values. For more information, email rayangel1@live.com or visit his website at www. newhorizonscoaching. com.