Who is working harder here?
I realize this is a bold claim, but after years of working with families and watching what works and what fails, one conclusion is clear: Strength and happiness emerge from realizing that it’s my job (not yours) to seize what I seek in life.
The biggest threat to a child’s future is finding kind, loving and well-intentioned parents who consistently work harder at their child’s happiness than the child does.
While the source of this erroneous thinking may be unknown, the essence of this faulty thought process is this: “If my son or daughter is struggling, it’s my job to fix it. If they are miserable, I will make them happy. If they are bored… I will get them entertainment. If they can’t do their homework, I will get it done for them.” The ultimate result: We end up working harder at our children’s happiness and success than they do.
Why this fails … but only 100% of the time!
1. We teach our children that it is OUR job to make them happy. (And this is a lie.)
This always comes to an ugly ending, but it doesn’t start out that way. Early on, for every moment of misery, sibling unrest or expression of boredom, we spring into action and we fix it. For every canceled playdate, we find another, so your son never solves his own struggles with friends. For every homework problem too difficult, we make sure the answer is there, so your daughter can smile when she gets her 100%.
Thus, for many years, we keep leaping into action and we ‘make them happy.’ We keep fixing it.
However, inevitably, we start to get exhausted and frustrated. We are working so hard…and yet, the kids seem to keep finding more misery. Even in this great home, with loving parents, good schools and lots of goodies…they seem unable to maintain happiness. We start to notice how quickly they turn to mom and dad to fix their problems, and how little effort they put in themselves.
Eventually, years later, we find that if we keep working harder than they do at their happiness…there is ultimately no amount of effort that I can exert that will make my middle-schooler happy.
And even worse, they now blame me for everything. IT’s my fault when they aren’t happy, or things do go well.
And why shouldn’t they blame me: I taught them that it was my job. They are just following in the path I have offered. And yet, the ultimate catch is this…
2. We do not prepare them for life’s disappointments, if we keep protecting them from it.
While it certainly seems reasonable, on the surface, to advocate for avoiding disappointment, this approach is harmful. Life has pain and disappointment, and it is experience that prepares us to handle this. In fact, it is the exposure to this, and the successful transition through such challenges, that set children up for a life of happiness.
Your daughter wants chocolate, but they just sold out. One path is to drive five extra miles to find chocolate and avoid the disappointment. The other is to get her vanilla and allow her to find her way through the moment. While a small example, this does capture the critical lesson: Preparation for life…or protection from it.
Learning to get through disappointment is like building an emotional muscle. We call it resilience. This muscle of resilience allows us to get through tough moments, to move on then to find happiness. Without it, we get stuck in the disappointment and sadness with not getting what we wanted. Thus, we need to teach resilience and inner strength for children to find real happiness.
3. Life is full when we realize we have ‘enough’ today and move forward to grow and explore.
We see plenty of examples of children and adults with almost countless “goodies” to play with, and yet there is no real happiness. Some seek more and more stuff, never finding enough with what they have.
Other children complain and whine about siblings, teachers, parents or friends…never finding others to be meeting their standards. The child or teen is pervasively unhappy because the world is not ‘enough’ for them.
When we offer our children a good home, filled with love and ample goodies to play with, we have laid the foundation for them. In this, effort is required to enjoy that life you offer them. Life responds to effort in every area, including the happiness we discover through full engagement. Children must learn to ‘engage’ with the world they have before them, and when presented with a challenge or obstacle or even boredom, they must discover their own path through this. If they keep asking us to help fix “it” in moments of unhappiness, and we do so, we see that our children (rarely) learn to sustain a positive, happy outlook. (Not to mention that we teach them a false lesson for life about who will be there to fix our misery!)
In next week’s article, I will review four ways out of this mess, by changing specific parenting approaches. For now, just notice: How often do I feel this sense that I am working harder at my child’s success or happiness? When you feel it…turn around and walk away! It’s a fantastic start to a new life for your child (and you)! Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www. TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@ gmail.com.