Where is the manual for parenting?
I first read about an important parenting issue in The New York Post on April 1, and then saw it again in a local paper, the Times Union, a few days later. The papers referenced Lenore Skenazy’s April 1, 2008, column in The New York Sun, “Why I Let My 9-YearOld Ride the Subway Alone.” It described her making the controversial decision to let her son take the New York City Subway home alone, which was completed without incident. The piece resulted in a flood of reactions ranging from accusations of child abuse to fond memories of first-time subway trips and childhood freedom.”
The information above reminded me of my own parental confusion and challenges. Despite three decades of teaching and clinical work in the field of Psychology, I have been secondguessing my parental decisions since my two boys were embryos.
There is a manual for your car, numerous books on how to cook and YouTube videos on how to fix almost anything. Where can I find a parent manual? I know, there are lots of books, magazines and audio books on this topic but none seemed to fit my kids just right.
Currently, both of my boys, ages 18 and 25, are doing well. Maybe it is luck, maybe it’s their mother, stepmother, me or their teachers, or friends or our house pets. You never know how they are going to turn out so you try your best.
I often wish I was more of an authoritarian parent; more of a disciplinarian. Maybe a combination of a cop and football coach. It just isn’t me. I empathize, understand and communicate. Sounds good, but I remember watching an Interview with Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents. They seemed to share my parenting style.
Some parents advocate hitting their kids. I have wanted to whack my kids once in a while but never have probably because the American Academy of Pediatrics has consistently counseled against it for years and it just isn’t me.
I got hit when I was a kid by my dad. It didn’t do any good. I was an out of control teenager. When I went to high school, I was hit some teachers. That didn’t seem to help either. If I turned out fairly okay it was probably because of the love that I got from family members like my mother and grandmother. A few years in the military also helped.
Some of my parenting is unconventional. I firmly believe that a trip way out of town, like to a foreign country, will benefit them more than sitting at a desk in a classroom. I have allowed one of my sons to miss classes when this opportunity came up a few years ago. I also believe that teaching them “street smarts “is often more important than many of the topics in textbooks. Useful vehicles for these street smart lessons have been many trips to large cities like New York to visit friends.
I certainly don’t have the best answers and will never win parent of the week, month or year. What I know for sure is that raising kids is like a business. If you don’t put in the significant time and effort, the business will most likely fail. Abigail Van Buren said, “If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.”
Arthur Miller, the famous writer and playwright, said that he “Enjoyed being a father and also enjoyed escaping being father.” Even though I want to escape once in a while, I ask myself, “Why would I want to run from my true wealth.”