Sunburn, Carnies & Bad Tattoos
When it comes to vacations I take two kinds — Cape Cod with the kids, Vegas for the grownups. Once a year we hop a Southwest flight to Nevada to lounge at the pool, see a few shows and eat too much shrimp. Then, come July, I always take the kids for a more family getaway to Orleans, Massachusetts which most of you know sits about halfway out the arm of the cape. If you want to be specific it’s just above the elbow which would be beautiful Chatham. If you won the lottery, twice, Chatham is where you’d want to own a house. Not so much to live there but to show off to your friends. It would allow you to say to them, “Do I want to see the new Jurassic Park movie this Saturday? Hmm... let me check with my wife. Oh Bunny.” When you’re super rich you call your wife names like “Bunny” and “Muffy”. So, you’d say, “Oh Bunny can we do the movies this Saturday? Oh wait, that’s right, we’re launching out new boat at the Chatham home. Sorry guys, can’t make it. We’ll be sure to say hello to the Kennedys for you.”
This year the Las Vegas trip happened as usual but my youngest threw a curve ball at me when he told me he was getting bored with Cape Cod and wanted to shake things up a bit. What qualifies as “shaking things up?” Two words- wild wood. OK I guess technically it’s one word. Although in truth down there on the jersey shore they call it Wildwoods, with an “s” on the end. Who knew?
In booking a place I quickly saw that you kind of have two options at Wildwood: cheap and dumpy or nice and expensive. Seeing I’m not a 17-yearold going down with five of my closest friends named Biff I opted for a nicer place right along the beach. It sat right at the start of the infamous Boardwalk, so we had easy access to no shortage of people willing to take our money.
Since just my one child was going along for this trip I thought it prudent to let him bring a friend from school. It was genius because no 14-yearold wants to talk to their dad for 5 hours straight in the car each way and it gave me time to think about life. Long drives are good for exactly that.
The drive down was slow because of traffic and I was lucky enough to pick the one day a year when only the most obnoxious drivers are allowed on the road. Kind of like that horrible movie “The Purge” only instead of running around killing people these idiots drive two thousand-pound chunks of metal and zip in and out of lanes with careless abandon. Oh, and if you didn’t do what they wanted you to do (translation- get out of the way) they hit the horn and gave you a hand gesture you’d probably recognize.
I don’t have EZ Pass because if I ever commit a crime I don’t want the coppers being able to track my every move, so it was super fun trying to move six lanes over to the one or two lanes that still accept cash. Then you got to test your throwing skills on the Garden State Parkway but tossing six quarters into a basket while slightly moving. I only missed once. I also got to the right, each time as instructed, only to pull into a secret hidden EZ Pass lane which wouldn’t take my money. I carefully backed out and went to the correct toll lane, but a sign told me I was “unpaid” anyway, so I can expect a $30 invoice in the mail from the fine state of New Jersey I’m sure.
The beach was fun. The water is warmer than the cape, but the waves aren’t as narly. Look at me going all Jeff Spicoli on you there. Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Anyone? Bueller? The highlight was at night when we went to the Boardwalk and Morey’s Pier and I came face to face with my greatest fear: carnies. I don’t know why but they just creep me out with their rigged games of ring toss and throwing darts at balloons that refuse to pop. I must have dropped $20 bucks on that game where you shoot water at the tiny target and the stuffed animals race up in the air. Some kid no older than seven kept beating me. I was ready to yell, “How many stuffed pink llamas do you need kid?”
I also noticed a lot of bad tattoos. It’s almost like people went into a shop and said, “I want it to say cheap, ugly and make no sense. Have you got something like that?” At 55 years young I am still ink free although I do have a sunburn. When it’s 100 degrees it doesn’t matter if you’re wearing SPF 99 you still burn.
Wildwood was fun, just a little young for me. The nicest thing? For three days I didn’t hear the words Trump, Clinton, Russia or Congress. Although I did see a guy with a tattoo that said, “Impeach him.” Probably a democrat.
John Gray is a news anchor on WXXA-Fox TV 23 and ABC’S WTEN News Channel 10. His column is published every Wednesday. Email him at johngray@fox23news.com.