ADVICE Seaking peace within
DEAR ANNIE » Our 48-year-old daughter decided four years ago to legally change her name and deny us as family. I am her stepmother, but she has been my daughter since she was 10 years old. My husband and I are in our late 60s and 70s, respectively.
Our daughter has had a history of obtaining wonderful jobs but then having a problem with a coworker, which always leads her to either quit or be fired. We have tried to discuss her issues with her but to no avail.
She asked four years ago if she could come live with us and we refused. She had been on government assistance from her previous job for almost a year and had not found anything of interest to her. She felt that taking a lowerpaying job — as many of us have done to survive — was beneath her. We agreed to help with a few hundred dollars a month for about six months but then stopped. (Neither of us has a large income as we are both retired.)
She sent virulent, hateful letters to my husband and his ex-wife (her mother) and myself, saying her father and mother abused her, and that I had no right to think of her as my daughter.
I believe she needs counseling, but she does not accept that idea. I have offered to go with her. I have sent texts every birthday and holiday stating she is always welcome at our house should she decide to come.
I miss her, and I am feeling uncertain that I made the right decision. Were we very wrong? I pray for her every week of my life and always will.
— Heartbroken Parents
DEAR HEARTBROKEN PARENTS » You weren’t wrong. You’re squarely in the right. If only that made the situation any less painful.
Your daughter appears to have some sort of mental block and does not know how to live without interpersonal conflict, as evidenced by her work history. She may have a personality disorder — something a therapist would help diagnose and treat, should your daughter ever take your advice and see one.
I’m sorry that you and your husband are grieving this lost connection with a child, and I hope in time she seeks to mend it. In the meantime, continue to affirm to yourself that you are doing all you can. Pray for her, but also pray that you can find some acceptance of the situation.
Perhaps the most frustrating fact of life is that we cannot force our loved ones to seek help. All we can do is seek peace within ourselves and hope to lead by example.
DEAR ANNIE » I’m 60 years old and live with my daughter and three grandsons. I love them dearly. I babysit while she works and goes to school. She also has a boyfriend. I’ve been here for two years now, and I’m flat worn out from watching kids seven days a darn week. I cook, clean and do laundry.
My daughter thinks I should put in for rent and pay a portion of the utilities. But I babysit anytime for free, including weekends while she spends the night at her boyfriend’s place. And I clean her house and cook. I work seven days a week with no respect. So the question, Annie, is should I be paying rent, too?
— Frustrated Grandma
DEAR FRUSTRATED GRANDMA » According to the International Nanny Association, the average gross weekly salary for a live-in nanny is $670. The average cost of three hours of housekeeping is $36, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. And the average fee for a personal chef to make dinner five days a week for a family of four is $200. By my calculations, you’re saving your daughter $906 dollars a week, or $3,624 a month. Ask her to take that out of your rent.