Interested in meeting siblings
DEAR ANNIE » Shortly after I was born, my mother and biological father divorced. My mother later married the man who I grew up with and will always call “Dad.”
I didn’t know about all of this until I was about 12 years old when my parents told me that my grandmother from my biological father wanted to see me after all these years. Over the years, I kept in touch with my grandmother until she passed away about 11 years ago. During that time, she only briefly mentioned my father. I knew that my father had remarried and had other children, but I knew that his new wife would not allow any mention of me to the other children.
Last year, I found my uncle and his son on Facebook and found out my father had died five years previously. I also found out that I had three brothers and two sisters.
I am 55 years old. Is it strange that I want to meet them, at least via email or social media? And since they presumably don’t know I exist, should I?
— Curious
DEAR CURIOUS » There is nothing strange about wanting to get in touch with your brothers and sisters. What is strange is your father’s wife’s complete denial that you existed and not telling you that he passed away. Contact them. As long as you don’t know what your brothers and sisters will be like, try to meet them without having any expectations.
DEAR ANNIE » I am responding to the letter, “Anxious to the Point of Paralysis.” As someone who struggles with social anxiety myself, I think the advice you offered is very good. I want to suggest some additional resources to the letter’s writer.
First, there are interactive workbooks that mimic the weekly structure of therapy sessions and contain many of the same exercises that therapists use. One example is “The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Social Anxiety & Shyness.” I have been using it myself, and it is helpful for setting goals and making plans to tackle anxiety in stages.
Second, there are websites and apps that connect strangers for conversations. They can be a good way to practice socializing and become more comfortable talking with people. The most important thing I’ve learned through my own journey with anxiety is that the only way to improve is by actively putting yourself in the social situations that scare you and getting used to them.
— Anxious in New Jersey
DEAR ANXIOUS IN NEW JERSEY » Thank you very much for your letter. These suggestions look wonderful. Congratulations to you on using helpful tools to manage your anxiety.
DEAR ANNIE » I’ve been with this man for over seven years. In the last couple of years, he’s treated me badly by lying. He ignores me when his friends come around. I don’t want to stay in this relationship anymore. But it’s hard for me to leave him. What will it take for me to leave him before it gets worse?
— Hard to Leave
DEAR HARD TO LEAVE » Given the way he is treating you, it is going to be a great deal harder in the long run to stay than leave. Try and keep the big picture in mind. It doesn’t sound like his behavior is going to change after seven years.
Keep the long-term goal in mind that you deserve to be in a relationship of honesty, love and respect.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and ebook. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.