Projecting insecurities onto loved ones

DEARANNIE » My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We are both divorced.

I have a few insecurities. She is the greatest thing to ever happen tome, and I’m happier than I have ever been. She is my true love. I will do anything for her, which is why I’m reaching out for advice. I trust her completely, yet one of my insecurities is that I’m always asking if she is happy and if she is OK or sad.

These questions drive her nuts. I want to stop this behavior but want to understand why I do this. My kids say I do it to them, too.

Please help me. I don’t want to bury my feelings, but I don’t want to say things that drive her crazy. I do not want to lose her because of my stupidity.

— Help My Insecurities

DEAR INSECURITIES » Not to worry. Help is on the way. The first step to change is the desire to change, and you have already demonstrated that by writing this letter. The second thing to know is that what you are doing is projecting your own feelings of sadness and feeling not OK onto everyone around you who you love.

Try a morning check-in with yourself. Sit quietly for a few minutes and ask yourself, am I OK or do I feel sad? Then write down how you feel. It’s fine to feel sad, and by writing down what is making you sad, you can start to work through it. Remember that these feelings won’t last forever. Below is a poem by Jalaluddin Rumi, written more than 800 years ago, with some eternal truths.

“The Guest House”

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably. Hemay be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet themat the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

As the poem says, picture your feelings as little guests in your house. If we are kind to those feelings and hospitable, they are glad to be acknowledged and appreciated. Seeking the help of a professional therapist will also help greatly.

DEAR ANNIE » Thank you for advising families to prepare for Halloween. The same goes for Christmas. Please permit me to weigh in since I have been both a Santa and a public health professional for about 45 years now.

I would encourage all families to take extra precautions this Christmas. That means no adorable photos of baby and/or kids on Santa’s lap in front of the fireplace.

In fact, I am restricting all my Santa appearances to only outdoors and with social distancing and masks required. This may be “overkill” to some, but that is exactly the point. I will be doing everything I can to ensure that Grandma, Grandpa and others are not “killed over” this virus. I do fear that there will be many family members who appear in photos this season who will not be around next Christmas due to not taking this pandemic seriously.

Please, make a plan for how you will handle the upcoming Christmas gatherings. Youmay have heard that Santa is offering virtual visits in many communities, which is a safe and joyful way to celebrate. Wishing you all a healthy and joyful holiday season.

— Safe Santa

DEAR SAFE SANTA » Thank you for those wonderful suggestions. Hoping everyone stays safe.