The Saratogian (Saratoga, NY)

Hus­band doesn’t want me talk­ing to fam­ily

- An­nie Lane Society · Lifestyle · Marriage · Violence and Abuse · Domestic Violence · Family · Alaska · Tennessee

DEAR­AN­NIE » My hus­band tells me that I’m cheat­ing on him by talk­ing to my friends and fam­ily. He talks to peo­ple on the phone who I don’t even know, but I don’t ever worry about it or get on his case about it. What can I do? — Need­ing Help in

Vir­ginia

DEARNEEDIN­GHELP » Your hus­band’s con­trol­ling at­ti­tude is not just toxic but may con­sti­tute emo­tional abuse. Ac­cord­ing to the Na­tional Do­mes­tic Vi­o­lence Hot­line, two hall­marks of abu­sive be­hav­ior are show­ing ex­treme jeal­ousy and pre­vent­ing and dis­cour­ag­ing you from spend­ing time with friends, fam­ily mem­bers or peers. I en­cour­age you to call the Na­tional Do­mes­tic Vi­o­lence Hot­line 1-800-799-7233 or chat with some­one via their website (https >>// www.the­hot­line.org) for fur­ther per­spec­tive as well as re­sources. Part­ners are meant to lift each other up.

DEAR­AN­NIE » The let­ter from “Sad Mom” (re­gard­ing her son’s up­com­ing wed­ding, to which she is not in­vited due to coro­n­avirus pre­cau­tions) struck a chord with me.

My son and his then-fi­ancee in 2013 de­cided to marry in Alaska and had only the im­me­di­ate wed­ding party in at­ten­dance.

They wanted to keep it small, and fam­i­lies were not in­vited. Not my choice, but it was what they wanted, and we re­spected their wishes and sent cham­pagne and good vibes.

Sev­eral months later, we held a party for them, and those who couldn’t go to Alaska were able to cel­e­brate. This is not un­like what is hap­pen­ing now, in so many quar­ters. Par­ties can be de­layed but im­por­tant life events still must oc­cur.

The most pos­i­tive and lov­ing thing “Sad Mom” can do is to fo­cus on the fact that her son has found some­one he loves and to cel­e­brate and honor that. It is time for them to take this step as a cou­ple and for them­selves. For “Sad Mom” to fo­cus on her feel­ings is to add to the stress over the de­ci­sions they are forced to make and to bring heav­i­ness to their wed­ding day. Giv­ing the cou­ple open and full sup­port will be ap­pre­ci­ated by the cou­ple for years to come and will give them a model of good par­ent­ing of adult chil­dren.

— Missed the Wed­ding But

Love the Cou­ple

DEARLOVETH­ECOUPLE » Your sig­na­ture says it all. I ap­pre­ci­ate your per­spec­tive and pos­i­tiv­ity.

DEAR­AN­NIE » Your ad­vice to “Strained Com­mu­ni­ca­tion” was per­fect:

“Run, run, as fast as you can.” Our son mar­ried a charmer who wanted to get mar­ried quickly. She had a great rep­u­ta­tion and nice fam­ily, but things aren’t al­ways as they seem. Shortly af­ter mar­riage, we be­gan to see the real per­son who was ex­tremely con­trol­ling, cry­ing un­con­trol­lably, emo­tional melt­downs/tantrums and vin­dic­tive be­hav­ior, just to name a few bad be­hav­iors. She ru­ined ev­ery holiday, fam­ily get-to­gether and va­ca­tion we had as a fam­ily. No doubt, she has a men­tal is­sue, but she was re­fus­ing to try and im­prove her­self, and, in­stead, blam­ing ev­ery­one else. Please, please don’tmarry quickly. In our sit­u­a­tion, she had to get mar­ried be­fore we saw the real per­son; oth­er­wise, the mar­riage never would have hap­pened. Our son and fam­ily learned the hard way. They’ve since split up.

— Wiser in Ten­nessee

DEARWISER » I ap­pre­ci­ate your shar­ing the wis­dom, though I’m sorry to hear how it was earned.

“Ask Me Any­thing: A Year of Ad­vice From Dear An­nie” is out now! An­nie Lane’s de­but book — fea­tur­ing fa­vorite col­umns on love, friend­ship, fam­ily and eti­quette — is avail­able as a pa­per­back and e-book. Visit http://www. cre­ator­spub­lish­ing.com for more informatio­n. Send your ques­tions for An­nie Lane to dear­an­nie@creators.com.

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