Forgiveness
GRAY FADE TO GRAY:
Is it possible for a word to go out of style or to change meanings entirely? I’ve been wondering lately so I turned to Google and typed in a word and asked for a broad definition.
The word was forgiveness, and this is what I found. Forgiveness — Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.
Hmm, I thought. I guess it hasn’t changed at all. We as humans have just decided not to practice it anymore.
Three times in the last week I have seen stories on individuals who made a mistake and in a matter of hours, saw their lives ostensibly destroyed. I hesitate to get into specifics because that will just open me up to anger from some of you who think I’m trying to soft soap what they’ve done wrong or give them a pass. I don’t and I’m not.
One of them, without naming, is a singer who was caught on tape using a word he absolutely should not be using, and he should be ashamed of himself. I didn’t know much about the guy, beyond knowing he had a nice voice and a couple of hits on the radio. His career was just getting started but within hours of his horrible mistake, it was over.
What do I mean by over? I mean, over. Record deal gone, radio stations refusing to play his music ever again and a national organization calling back an award they had just given him.
He apologized of course. I have no way of knowing if it was sincere, it certainly sounded like it was, but I have no way to be sure.
Setting the mess he made of his life aside, I just have one honest question to ask. Are you allowed to make a mistake anymore? And I don’t mean just now, I’m also talking about in your past.
Time and time again we are seeing people who are nobody become somebody, and then someone who knew them, way back when, raises their hand and says, “I know something about him or her that the rest of you don’t know.” That’s when the old tweet or photograph or video comes out and they are burnt toast.
Maybe it’s the 12 years of Catholic school in me coming out, but I was taught from day one that we all fall short in the eyes of God. We are all sinners, every last one of us. The point isn’t to navigate this life without a single misstep, but to acknowledge when we screw up, sincerely apologize, try to make it right and then don’t do it again.
If we go back to that definition I mentioned at the top, I really wish some people would read it slowly. Twice. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you are condoning what they did or forgetting what they did. It is a deliberate decision to release the other party of the vengeance you have toward them.
Comedian Kevin Hart was the best example in recent years of what I’m talking about. He once was a struggling comic doing some pretty nasty humor. When he finally made it to the top and was asked to host the Oscars a year or so ago, someone pulled out lines from his old material and painted him as a monster.
Kevin, to his credit, pointed out that he has grown up a lot since then, he has apologized for his bad humor and he’s trying to be a better human being. Isn’t that what we want?
We are living in dangerous times where no one is being graded on a curve ; it is all “pass/fail”. And lives are being destroyed by an angry social media mob that seems to have zero forgiveness in their hearts.
I, by the way, am guilty of this myself. Back when Kathy Griffin held up a severed head of the former president I was stunned. I understood why some people hated the guy, but I thought what she did was beyond the pale, as they say. When she lost everything, I certainly didn’t cheer, but I also didn’t shed a tear or give Kathy a second thought.
Was she wrong? Of course. Is she beyond redemption or perhaps some variation of our species that makes her impervious to making a mistake? Of course not.
Believe me, I know, free speech does not mean free of consequences and if you act or speak in a reckless manner there is a price to pay for that. I just wish I saw a little more forgiveness in our world today, especially when the dumb behavior is perpetrated by someone who is young or drinking. Put those two together, stir vigorously and it’s the perfect recipe for a big steaming pot of stupid.
People make mistakes. If they are sorry and trying to do better, maybe we should give them a chance to do so. It’s just a thought.
John Gray is a news anchor on WXXA-Fox TV 23 and ABC’S WTEN News Channel 10. His column is published every Sunday. Email him at johngray@fox23news.com.