Your teen’s dreadful habits — Why act now?

How many of you find it easy to change a terrible habit? If honest, you will say something like, ‘It’s not easy at all. In fact, it can feel almost impossible!’

And you would be right. Most of us find it very difficult to change unhealthy patterns of behavior, and that is for a good reason. Our brains have accommodated patterns that tend to feed on themselves. When grumpy, the grump will pick a fight to feed that emotion. When angry, we see the anger in others and then justify treating them poorly.

When anxious, every little thing that doesn’t work out perfectly tends to feed that anxiety.

So, if you teenager has fallen into a bad habit, whether we blame covid or not, is there a reason to give him or her a ‘pass?’ Is there a reason to think that turning around this terrible habit pattern will be easier for them since they are teenagers? Or that something will click for them when all this is over …, and suddenly they will be back on track?

No. Things Will Not Magically Get Better On Their Own.

Do things change for teenagers and for adults? Yes, of course.

But this is not predictable, and it rarely happens without life intervening. By that, I mean unhealthy habits come with consequences. Usually, the negative consequences have to accumulate to a very painful point before we surrender to changing our actions. For the immature teen, this is almost always the case.

What’s tough here is that it’s you, mom and dad, who will likely have to bring those negative consequences down upon your teenager. If not you, who will do it? Teachers, coaches, and employers may bring some of those consequences, but this will likely not be enough.

So please, if your son or daughter is lost in their bedroom, with grades declining and few positive emotions, it’s time to step back and notice the bad habit patterns that have brought them to this place. These habits must change if life is to work out better for them.

And trust me; It’s a lot easier to change those now than 20 years from now. It just gets tougher with time.

Change Habits: OutsideIn or Inside-Out?

1. The Outside-In Approach

This is the most common approach, and depending on how deeply ingrained the habits have become, changing the environment can be very effective. The outside-in approach means that Mom and Dad change things at home by altering the conditions to support ONLY good habits.

The ‘outside’ is altered in ways to effectuate change on the inside of your teen. Depending upon the age of the child, these shifts can range from difficult to extremely challenging. But usually, with a significant alteration in controlling the home, you can nurture better habits. These parenting changes, however, must be sustained over time and must endure the resistance of clever, challenging teenagers. Not easy, but it is doable.

2. The Inside-Out Approach

This approach involves engaging your teenager in activities, such as neurofeedback or therapy, to change the brain first and then watch as new habits emerge. While therapy is hard to sell to a teenager, neurofeedback seems more interesting and requires less engagement of sensitive topics. In other words, no talking is required, and yet the brain changes.

The inside-out approach is very useful at times, particularly when children or teens fight you at every turn when you try to get them on board with better habits. The key here is this: It will never get easier to help your teenager. Instead, it only gets more difficult.

The earlier you take action, the more likely environmental changes (i.e., parenting adjustments) in the home can turn things around. However, if you have waited until your teenager is withdrawn, depressed, and isolated with grades falling, you may need more. In fact, you likely need more.

Imagine this for the child who has stumbled into unhealthy habit patterns: The neural pathways supporting these dreadful habit patterns are like six-lane paved roads for their brains, and the healthy habits are more like a path through the jungle. You can explain, argue and fight with them to get on that jungle path, but they will default to the easy highway at every turn if given a chance. Not because they are terrible kids, of course. It’s because their brains point them in that direction.

If you are late in the game of your teenager’s life and things are heading south, take action. Do something now, and do not wait. One option is to change the way you run things at home. You can do this if you have a good plan for controlling the goodies they care about.

Another option is to change the way their brain signals them to act, what we have called the insideout approach. But this requires their cooperation to be effective, and that can be challenging if you only think in terms of counseling. It’s why I have a bias toward brain-changing technologies, like neurofeedback.

The main message here today is straight-forward: Do not put your head in the sand. Trust your gut, and look at the habit pattern. Where will their habits take them? What direction are they headed?

Because these unhealthy habits will not be easy to change? Thus, if you can do something to impact those bad habits, please do it. And start today, if you can.

Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www. Terrific Parenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com