Choosing positivity

DEAR ANNIE » Just wanted to say thank you for including the letters from people who really love and appreciate their spouses. Life has been difficult lately for many of us, and reading positive words is uplifting. Dwelling on people’s often-petty complaints makes me feel down while reading inspiring words of love and appreciation makes me feel hopeful.

— Keep the Positivity

Coming!

DEAR KEEP THE POSITIVITY » Thank you for your kind words. Cheers to positivity. The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time, so choose a positive one whenever you remember.

DEAR ANNIE » I have struggled almost all of my married life with never being accepted by my mother-in-law. I have tried everything, just shy of learning how to do backflips. No matter what I do, it is never right.

It is extremely hurtful, especially because my husband never stood up for me, until a few years ago. I even went and tried to visit with her, but since then I have become the “bad one” for calling her out on several hurtful actions. I told her she was welcome at my house.

She has a great son and wonderful grandchildren who she is missing out on. She lives in the same town and doesn’t acknowledge our children because she might have to see me. It is so sad!

I like to fix problems and make people happy. I can’t figure out how to fix this. Any advice would be helpful. It puts a strain on our marriage and is just plain sad.

— How Do I Fix This?

DEAR HOW DO I FIX THIS »

You can’t control other peoples’ actions toward you. How she treats you says a lot more about her than it does about you.

When you say, “I call her out for hurtful actions,” ask yourself if these conversations are done in a loving and productive manner. Conflict resolution does not usually consist of one person pointing out all the hurtful actions of the other person — at least not without the help of a trained therapist in the room.

The best way to fix this problem is to lay low and stop trying so hard to please her and instead just be yourself. If she can’t accept that, then it is her problem, and you are correct that she is missing out on quality time with her grandchildren and son. Keep trying to see if your husband can speak with her. You might have to consult the help of a professional.

DEAR ANNIE » Please tell “Lost in Love” to get out of that toxic relationship immediately. It’s not worth another minute of her time. She may love him “with every fiber” of her being, but that love is not being returned. Any respectable man would not take money from a relationship to pay his mortgage and give nothing in return. I promise you, she will never regret leaving, only staying one more day.

— Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE »

Thank you for sharing your advice based on a similar experience.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

You can’t control other peoples’ actions toward you. How she treats you says a lot more about her than it does about you.