How can we work so hard & raise such irresponsible children?

We all strive to raise responsible and respectful children. That’s a given. And yet, many of us are working hard to nurture such an outcome, and yet our efforts are failing.

We model healthy, responsible behavior. We get up every morning, get the kids to school, go to work, pay the bills, and we get the kids to their after school activities on time. Certainly, we demonstrate daily that we ‘get it.’

Yet, our children show few signs of ‘getting it.’ By this, I mean that they just don’t seem to accept responsibility for their mistakes, they want all the rewards with little of the effort, they seem unable to take responsibility for ‘their stuff’ and they show no signs of wanting the responsibility that comes with more autonomy and independence. Why is this happening?

MODELING RESPONSIBILITY DOES NOT BUILD RESPONSIBILITY IN CHILDREN

When it comes to building responsible habits in our children, there is one truth that you must come to accept: it is not enough to just be a good role model.

Most of us do a good job of showing our children how to be responsible.

This is not the problem. In fact, the problem stems from our growing cultural tendency to take too much responsibility.

HOW MOM AND DAD TAKE TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY

There seems to be a blurring of the lines between what parents are responsible for, and what their children should be responsible for. Mom and Dad’s responsibilities (for example) include paying the mortgage, putting gas in the car and having healthy meals on the table. In my view, it also includes holding children accountable to doing their best with their homework, and for helping out around the house.

The kids responsibilities include completing their homework, and working hard to figure out how it’s done. It includes remembering to pack that homework, and to bring their soccer shoes to practice. It would also include keeping their room clean and helping with some chores around the house.

How do we confuse children? We take on their responsibilities.

We sprint home to locate their missing homework or soccer shoes, and arrive late to work so that they don’t feel any loss. We will stay up late working on that school project with them— knowing that they spent hours playing and ignored the project. We let them keep their room a mess until we clean it up, rather than teaching them to take responsibility for their environment.

We will cart them to three different events on Saturday so that they have fun and activity, while never asking them to help out around the house. Yet, we end up with no time to really enjoy our weekend, because we are constantly going here and there.

For many of us, we take responsibility for helping our son or daughter get through their homework, even when they take virtually no responsibility to get it done. We know this because they are yawning while we write out the answers pleading with them to pay attention.

WE END UP WORKING HARDER AT THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES THAN THEY DO

Many of us can easily recognize this. It never looks so bad in the early years, but as time goes by, we feel the effect of this. You work harder and harder at their life responsibilities while they work less and expect more.

Here’s the rule to remember: Children and adolescents learn about responsibility by having opportunities to be responsible. We don’t want to rob them of these lessons.

If we make the mistake of taking over their ageappropriate responsibilities, we blind them to reality. We teach them false lessons about the way the world will work, and often debilitate them from accepting the realities of life in later years. It also becomes clear, that despite our hard work, many grow to become irresponsible. We (not intentionally) end up teaching them that they can have all the ‘goodies’ that come from a responsible life without having to take responsibility.

The secret is this: Be clear about child-level responsibilities, and refuse to take these on. Allow the consequences for a lack of responsibility to be the teacher, and don’t protect them from such results. The goal is not to make their lives easier; the goal is preparation for reality and to thrive in that reality.

For that, we need responsible young adults.

Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com