‘You make me so mad! It’s your fault I am miserable!’
Whether adults, young siblings, or older teens, you may often hear sometimes like this, “It’s YOUR fault that I am upset!” (Please note, I know this is always your son, daughter, spouse, friend, or relative — not you.) So, if you have someone who tends to see things this way, let’s cover this for their sake.
ONE OF THE MOST COMMON CAUSES OF MISERY
Whether it was our parents, friends, movies, books, or TV shows, we were all exposed to this misery-making strategy during childhood. Some examples:
• “I told you 100 times NOT to leave your clothes on the floor.”
• “Why do you just sit there? Why don’t you do something!”
• “You make me so angry when you don’t listen to me.”
• “It hurts me when you speak to me that way. Please stop.”
• “Can’t you just do it my way! What is wrong with you!”
• “Did you just roll your eyes at me?”
• “What did you call me? You don’t get to do that! Stop it.”
OUR RULES OR EXPECTATIONS GET VIOLATED REPEATEDLY
It may violate our internal rules when we don’t like how things are going or view others’ actions or behavior as disrespectful or inappropriate. This also happens when we ‘expect’ others to listen or follow our guidance, and often they do not. We will blame them for upsetting us or making us angry. It is usually true that we have expressed our desire for how others SHOULD listen to us.
We genuinely believe that those around us SHOULD now honor those rules because we have shared them many times. Inside, we think, “They SHOULD get it by now.”
But they don’t. In fact, they seldom do. And thus, the more intensely we think they should be listening and honoring our rules, the more upset and angrier we become when they do not. Many relationships end this way in anger rather than ending due to a lack of love. Many families are in constant conflict over such thoughts and expectations, and children grow up living in this misery and adapting this thought process as their own.
Thus, we ensure their future misery as well.
THINK ABOUT IT >> How Can Someone Else ‘Make’ You Upset?
How do they do that? Do they reach inside you and push the upset button? Is it something they do that moves you from calm to upset? Do they carry around a small control panel to your emotions and then repeatedly select the ‘upset button’ to make your day miserable?
Is the world really set up that way? Do you get to control how I feel? Someone else controls how you feel? I don’t think so.
But as you read this, you might notice the excuses that emerge. Perhaps a justification emerges, putting the responsibility on another to be different—so that you can feel better or have fewer upsets. They should be better, speak better, show more concern, act differently, or think differently all because someone else says so?
Many of us were taught to think that way. Thus, we can compassionately understand the source of such thoughts. But again, who ends up being responsible for my misery? You or me?
WHAT IF >> I Am Responsible for All This Misery Making of Mine?
If this were true (and it is), I would begin to embark on a journey to understand my own misery making. Indeed, I don’t want to be miserable. Indeed, I didn’t choose to be upset in all those moments. Certainly, I am not to blame? That would be too much!
Agreed! Let’s abandon blame here. Please let that go for the moment. But responsibility is another issue. If others are not to be responsible for my misery, then that only leaves me. So, let’s come to terms with this.
RESPONSIBILITY >> “The fact of having a duty to deal with something.”
That’s it. No blame. Just a duty to deal with this. So, it’s your life. You must deal with this reality if you want out of misery and anger. The first step to emotional freedom is recognizing this fact and taking ownership of discovering your own internal rules and expectations that cause your misery.
As soon as we realize that the focus of our attention (whether on children, spouses, friends, or co-workers) has been on others’ behaviors and not on our thoughts about their behavior, we take the first step in regaining our power to feel better. We will discuss personal responsibility in the weeks ahead and explore ways to help our minds select more calming, easeful, and enjoyable thoughts.
Learn more about our tools and technologies that help at www.CapitalDistrictNeurofeedback.com.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting.com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com