New love amid grief: Navigating timelines
DEAR ANNIE >> I am a 45-year-old man, and I was married for 17 years to my lovely wife until her untimely death a year ago. My wife and I have three children, one of whom is from her previous relationship. I love her so much, and when she passed, I was heartbroken and severely depressed.
Recently, an old girlfriend from my teenage years reached out and was a great friend to me. She helped me through my grief, helped me reconnect with God and was always there for me. During this time, I developed romantic feelings toward her, and she to me.
I want to ask her to marry me, but my question is: Is there a time limit on moving on? Or should I mourn my wife because I do not want to disrespect her? My children and step-child won’t talk to me also and treat me like a pariah. Any help will be great. Thank you.
— Widowed Husband
DEAR WIDOWED HUSBAND >> The pain of losing a spouse is profound, and navigating grief is a deeply personal process. The fact that you’re considering love again is a testament to your capacity for love and a sign of healing.
The reaction of your children and step-child, however, is an important consideration. Their behavior suggests they may be struggling with their own grief and possibly feeling like moving on could be a betrayal of their mother’s memory. It’s important to approach this situation with empathy, patience and open communication. It might be beneficial to seek family counseling.
There’s no universal timeline for mourning or for when it’s “appropriate” to find new love, and marrying again doesn’t mean you disrespect your wife. If this relationship feels right, it’s OK to embrace it. Just make sure you’re moving forward with sensitivity to your own feelings, those of your children and the memory of your wife. Consider speaking with a counselor or spiritual adviser to help you through these complex emotions.
DEAR ANNIE >> I know this topic has been beaten to death, but still I am asking for advice. For more than 25 years, I have been designing and making all of my greeting cards by hand, with rubber stamps, dyes and coloring tools. It takes me a long time to do one card, and I enjoy the process very much.
I have two children who each have two children. One is a son, the other a daughter. My daughter’s kids, who are teens, always thank me for the cards. My son’s kids, who are slightly younger, never have, and I mean that “never” literally. Last year for their birthdays, I bought storebought cards to send with their gifts. I am waiting for the day when my son asks why. Do I tell the truth and say that my feelings have been hurt and that I am done with anticipating a response that will never come, or do I make up some story about not having time (or whatever)? The grandkids don’t live close to each other, so there isn’t ever a comparison made. It just makes me sad that they do not appreciate what I do. — Sad and Hurting
Grandma
DEAR SAD AND HURTING
GRANDMA >> Being open about your feelings is often the best route. Share with your son how much joy you find in creating those cards and how you’ve noticed the difference in responses. It’s not about blame; it’s about expressing that a simple acknowledgment means a lot to you. It’s OK to set the expectation for gratitude, and it’s a valuable lesson for your grandchildren as well. It’s about respect and recognition for someone’s time and effort. You deserve to feel appreciated for your acts of love.